by Philip Benais

Bloodz vs. Wolvez: Directed by Z. Winston Brown; Malik Burke, Richard Carroll Jr. and Kandiss Marie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t quite know how to convey what I feel about Bloodz Vs. Wolvez. I could easily discuss the provocative symbolism that puts Tarkovsky to shame. I could discuss how a film greater than even Citizen Kane or Casablanca managed to elude the presence of the so called ‘Academy’. I could discuss how no other auteur has illuminated the human condition better than Z. Winston Brown in the history of film…but that is not what I’ll talk about. Instead, I will demonstrate the preposterous assault on this perfect film by underprivileged rubes, who dare not be mentioned in the same sentence as a line of dialogue from this masterpiece. The filthy charlatans that snicker and sneer at what they could never comprehend or hope to accomplish. The blasphemous thieves that have pilfered sacred, nay, ANGELIC elements of this gift from a gracious God.

As many of these heathens will say, the film is poorly structured, laughably acted and plotted worse than an episode of Jersey Shore. LIES; monstrous concoctions of feeble intellects grasping for relevance in a world that has passed them by. The opening narration itself is a testament to the act of creation. No doubt while working on ‘Kinky Kong’ Brown was struck with the revelation of every great artist, promptly authoring narration that any mongoloid could give to Morgan Freeman. No, this brave, gentle soul chose instead to have the narration very difficult to hear and the actor unlisted. Think of the parallels in history, the greatest minds of the world snuffed into insignificance by tyrants. Hence, Brown has already given us a work filled with the passionate heartbeat of every oppressed soul throughout history. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. The scene which follows gives us the character of Unnamed Real Estate Agent #1. The lack of any defining characteristics allows this actor (who must have been classically trained) to morph within the scenery and as such become the film. In a sense, the seemingly insignificant Mike Tyson sound alike has personified an audience disillusioned with 3-D and Michael Bay, the parlor tricks of soulless elite to inflict on its serfs.

The rest of the film presents moral dilemmas and dramatic tension the world itself is not ready for. On the surface, you could say the plot is nothing more than poor vs. rich, Palestinian vs. Israeli etc. but as we all know from cooking soup, scum sits on the surface. The true breadth and width of this wonder is realizing the culmination of every possible majesty this space rock has to offer us. That culmination is what some have dubbed the ‘Imma shit on yo newspaper’ scene, which so described is almost as if you were offered the chance to gaze into the wonders of the infinite and instead chose to do Mad Libs. What these loathsome creatures fail to realize is that the newspaper scene, however brief you may want to chastise it for being, emanates with the vitality of pure, unbridled love. The newspaper represents the faceless, heartless terror that every human being must conquer to realize their potential in a depraved world. The feces represents the rejection of oppression and thus the dawn of revolution, ushering in an age of enlightenment and utopia. Cujo’s facial expressions recognize the soul deadening monotony of everyday life as a figment of the giant tortoise’s imagination that we are all just dreams experiencing each other over and over and over, until eventually we must awaken to our death.

I cannot recommend the life changing experience of Bloodz. Vs. Wolvez anymore than I could recommend being alive. While it ended I was sucked into the vortex of holiness, and I knew then and there that I must devote myself to spreading the gospel of its nirvana. In the name of the cat noises, the sausage links and the holy newspaper, amen.

RATING: ****** / *****

[Armond White, eat your heart out. I’d like to thank all of my haters, without which none of this would have been possible. Keep up the great work letting ruffians like myself know how the cow ate the cabbage while your miserable lives crawl on without me.]

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is was one of our Interns, a 17-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Thor: Directed by Kenneth Branagh; Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins and Stellan Skarsgard.

The recent influx of Marvel comics films has been extremely beneficial to the comic book movie as a genre, which along with dramatic opuses like The Dark Knight and Watchmen have rescued the genre from the depths of Batman And Robin and Steel. While Thor certainly isn’t the best comic book film this year (I have a feeling that distinction will go to Captain America or Green Lantern) it’s a perfect example of a Saturday night popcorn film diversion. The effects are great, the acting is fairly decent and while it may not be as entertaining as the two Iron Man films, it all brings us one step closer to The Avengers movie by Joss Whedon, which no nerd can resist.

The story follows the adventures of The God Of Thunder himself (Chris Hemsworth) who is brash, arrogant and thinks he knows everything. On the day he is to be made king of Asgard by Odin All Father (Anthony Hopkins) The Frost Giants launch an attack to steal their precious relic of power. Thor brazenly decides to march into their territory and pick a fight. For his insolence, he is cast out of Asgard and banished to Earth. In Thor’s absence, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) begins to move against the crown and soon Thor learns the value of humility thanks to a woman named Jane (Natalie Portman) and must soon save Asgard.

Right off the bat, the best part of Thor is the special effects. During the scenes in Asgard, it truly felt that I was transported to another world and the suspension of disbelief was further aided by the appropriate balance of Olde English and Every Day English in the dialogue. Although I’ve never read the comics, Chris Hemsworth was appropriately imposing and surprisingly funny as Thor. Anthony Hopkins was also great as Odin, but personally I always envisioned Liam Neeson as Odin. Natalie Portman was satisfactory, even though her role felt somewhat bland. Surprisingly, there was less action in Thor than in Iron Man, which along with Robert Downey Jr. is why I can watch those films over and over. Thor on the other hand is reminiscent of The Incredible Hulk film with Edward Norton; it’s by all means worth the money and quite enjoyable, but ultimately more of a diversion than anything memorable. It’s fun, fast and you’ll love it. Higher praise for a popcorn film I could not give.

Rating: *** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is one of our Interns, a 17-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Atlas Shrugged Part 1: Directed by Paul Johansson; Starring Taylor Schilling, Grant Bowler, Matthew Mardsen, Graham Beckel and Jsu Garcia.

I informally promised myself when I started writing for The B-Town Blog that I wouldn’t let politics and my reviewing mix, especially since I’m not exactly a conservative or liberal…at least in the modern sense of the terms. However when a film as brilliant and thought provoking as Atlas Shrugged comes along, that thin balance becomes ever smaller. If you haven’t seen Atlas Shrugged, or weren’t even aware that a series of film adaptations had been started based on Ayn Rand’s classic novel, you owe it to yourself to see this film. Despite the amateurish smear job of various Hollywood aficionados and the critics who routinely suck up to them, the two sequels are in the works and more people are becoming receptive to the ideas of individualism and liberty. It all speaks to the power of the source material and indeed the brilliant adaptation that I once thought would be impossible to film. This film is without a doubt the best I’ll see all year, if for no other reason than no film will floor me like this in a long time.

The story of Atlas Shrugged is a classic albeit somewhat long-winded tale that should be familiar to most people who are well read. The film modifies several aspects of the story to make them more tenable and relevant for a modern film. As the film starts for instance, we learn that the year is 2016. In the midst of a inflationary depression and continuing to perpetuate an imperialist foreign policy, the United States turns to political bureaucrats to save them. However, the politicians are merely shills for a corporatist scheme that is ruining the lives of every citizen. Gasoline has reached 37.50 a gallon and so trains become the only means of viable transport and travel. It is the wake of a horrific train accident that we’re introduced to Dagny Taggart and her corrupt brother James, heads of Taggart Transcontinental. Dagny is the sole voice of reason in a company that has long since given in to monopolism and political favors. To save the dying company, Dagny begins a business partnership with Hank Rearden, a thriving industrial titan bogged down by slanderous competitors and lecherous friends and family. As Hank and Dagny struggle to do what is needed, the top minds of industry begin to disappear around them. In the end, the only question that remains is, “Who is John Galt?”

It becomes apparent very quickly in the opening that certain people will be diametrically opposed to everything the film has to offer. Ayn Rand was a very polarizing individual, even amongst people who can appreciate her. The fundamental flaw in her writing was creating characters that were essentially talking heads for Objectivism, which in itself is pretty cognitively dissonant, even for a laissez-faireist like myself. The beauty of this film is that it takes the central characters of her novel and breathes life into them. No longer can you take a character from the story and say ‘he/she is too one dimensional to appreciate’. This is in part due to the actors they hired for the parts, who are talented enough to make you see them as the character they play whether you want to or not, and in part due to the writing. Much like the novel, Atlas Shrugged the film serves as a great intro to the ideas of liberty, for those who are willing to listen. In this way, the film becomes more of an experience than a straightforward motion picture. Thanks to the brilliant creative team, (the actors like Taylor Schilling, Jsu Garcia and Grant Bowler, director Paul Johansson etc.) Atlas Shrugged Part 1 becomes an instant classic, and the closest thing us libertarians have to both an accessible cinematic intro and a delight for hardened veterans. As I sat in the theater with people who didn’t really understand what was going on, I could tell that this film was going to be one of my new favorites. Like any great film, Atlas Shrugged has the power to make you fully involved in what’s happening and never want it to end. With each passing moment, I found scenes that made me run the gamut of emotions. I laughed when Dagny told the union official to stick his ultimatum where the sun doesn’t shine. I was furious with the parasites at the dinner meeting of James Taggart, the Steel Union head and Mouch, who becomes one of the most easily hated characters in recent cinematic history. Most importantly, I was enthralled the whole way through, from the riveting opening to the wonderful ending that left me craving more. Regardless of your political or philosophical inclination, I have a feeling that this film will be talked about quite extensively by a great deal of people. I estimate most will say it’s a film for cranks and selfish monsters, but those of us who know better will rejoice in the fact that a film has finally come that disregards slanders and half developed criticisms to give people something they should take note of and maybe even listen to.

In the end, if you’re looking for a film that will raise as many questions as answers, will challenge you to think critically and will be one of the most rewarding experiences you have in a cinema this year, stop reading and go support these talented individuals with your money and time. Don’t let slander get in the way of enjoying what is possibly one of the most important films of the modern era, and whatever you may think after seeing it, just be sure to make up your own mind. That is after all, the point.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Sucker Punch; Directed By Zack Synder: Starring Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Oscar Isaac, Carla Gugino, Jon Hamm and Scott Glenn.

Critical consensus is a concept that should be disregarded in terms of enjoying a film. I know this sounds strange coming from a critic, but speaking as a film lover first and foremost, when you hear the term ‘critical consensus’, that should not sway your opinion on whether or not you want to see a film. According to Metacritic, one of the largest compilations of critical views on the Internet, Superman II is a better film than Metropolis. It sounds absurd I know, but if you just go by the average that’s what you’ll find. Furthermore, sometimes having a different opinion than the majority can be dangerous. I for one, loved the Green Hornet film and even got kudos from the film’s director for the nice things I said. Just going by what everyone else said however, that film was in the same league as one of the Saw sequels or The Flintstones movie, even though we all know that’s nonsense.

Speaking personally, I have a whole laundry list of films I love that have been tossed aside by just about everyone else; I think Equilibrium is a woefully underrated masterpiece. I really enjoyed Cool World. I also don’t care what anyone else says, Hudson Hawk is priceless.

Where am I going with this you may ask? Although I hate to admit it, sometimes the majority of critics are right. Sucker Punch is one of those times. Just judging from the previews, I assumed I’d have another film to add to that laundry list, but instead what I saw was juvenile, exploitative and not fit for anyone. Whoever described this film as ‘Alice In Wonderland with machine guns’ has either been huffing too much gas or is on Zack Snyder’s payroll, if not the mouth breather himself.

It pains me to say it, but now I can’t look at the Watchmen film the same way ever again. If this is what Zack Snyder brings us when he’s in full creative control, I’m frightened by what his Superman project will bring. Maybe that one will be described as ‘The Brothers Karamazov with General Zod” It would be just as ridiculous as this ‘film.’

About here is usually the part of the review that I recap the plot for those interested but unfortunately dear readers I’m not sure what, if anything happened in Sucker Punch besides a metaphorical shot to the nether regions. What I can be sure of is there is a girl named Baby Doll (Really? Really Zack Snyder?) whose mother dies and whose stepfather kills her sister. (All in Slow Motion too) Doll is then locked up in a mental hospital and awaits lobotomizing. Somewhere in that skeletal outline, Snyder managed to fit in seventy-foot samurai, glass robots and steampunk nazis. Congratulations Zack, you managed to combine the degradation of women in sick rape scenarios with a horrible numetal/00’s MTV soundtrack and so much slo-mo that I nearly threw up.

Truly a visionary. Much in the same sense as M. Night Shyamalan or Catherine Hardwicke, except I think I enjoyed The Last Airbender more than Sucker Punch, and more condemnation I could not possibly give to any modern film.

Let’s start with the most immediateproblem; the story. (Or rather, the lack thereof) We know Baby Doll has lost her mother and sister, but is there any reason to care? Of course not. They were merely machinations to advance the CGI effects driven ‘plot’. The stepfather then calls for her to be put in a mental institution and lobotomized…but what a minute, where in the hell are we? Is this a city, a town, a hillbilly hoedown? What time period is this taking place in? The past? The present? The future? (Godforbid) Can we know anything else about Baby Doll than the excessive opening where she not only fails to save her sister, but also doesn’t kill the man responsible? Of course not, we’re too busy establishing a fantasy world that has NO impact on the real world whatsoever. I won’t spoil what happens out of the decency in my heart, but let’s just say that evil triumphs over good, and all of the fantasizing about Baby Doll and her fellow inmates as warrior chicks is useless. The point that the film was sold on actually doesn’t matter one bit. You know what does matter apparently? The actual reality of the film where women are raped, beaten and then lobotomized. By the end of the trite narration that permeates this festering corpse of a film you’ll feel as if you’ve been living in a dumpster for three weeks; sullied, disgusted and hollowed out.

It doesn’t help that the actresses they picked wouldn’t be able to convince you to fetch them a glass of water, let alone that they’re tormented women locked away in an evil place. It’s quite fitting that the lead actress from the High School Musical series has a role in this film, as that’s an accurate description of the amount of talent you’ll find here. Carla Gugino is by far the worst, making Ayn Rand sound like Audrey Hepburn with her tooth gratingly bad accent. It wasn’t enough for her to be one of the weak links in Watchmen I guess, because now she’s managed to beat women with lines like ‘If we get caught we’re dead.’ ‘We’re already dead.’ Which brings me to my second point. Don’t expect any of the quality writing you found in Watchmen, because all you’ll get is a sickening combination of every cliché that directors can scrape from the bottom of the barrel. Not only could I predict almost every line of dialogue once I figured out the formula, but every action scene as well. When you’re film has steampunk nazis, I expect originality to follow, but I suppose ripping off The Matrix for every fight scene is back in style. By the time the fiftieth dive in mid-air happened when Baby Doll was fighting the samurais, I thought I had reached a point where I would no longer enjoy any film with any trace of slo-mo. If you thought 300 was ridiculous, try a movie where a woman of 5’2 kills a dragon in the longest five second stab of your life. I guess that’s Snyder’s idea of ‘progress’.

Perhaps I could have forgiven a lot of this if the soundtrack was decent, or at least included one hard, grooving metal song. What was I treated to instead? A butchering of a Eurythmics classic and ‘rock’ that was popular when Limp Bizkit were the hottest item around. Thanks Zack, for bringing me back to a time where people actually listened to Evanescence and called it dignified. It wasn’t enough to set the women’s rights movement back more than Bella Swan, it wasn’t enough to betray the remaining trust anyone had in you, but now you have to remind me of girls who smell like old meat and write Naruto fan fiction. You had better count your lucky stars that I don’t know where you work, because I’d sure as hell stop you from destroying Superman the way you took my expectations and crushed them under-heel like a cockroach.

In short, I hated this film. I hated every moment of it. I expected a fun two hours where I could turn my brain off and enjoy warrior women beating up awesome bad guys, but what I got was one of the worst films in recent memory. This film was so bad that it has forever colored my perception of other films Zack Snyder has directed, films that I actually enjoyed on some level. I wanted to call the rabid anti-Snyder people fanboys, but now I feel their pain. This film is the equivalent of a bizarro Inception, but whereas Christopher Nolan is a genius, Zack Snyder is in the same boat as people like Richard Kelly, the man responsible for Southland Tales. I fear The Man Of Steel’s future as much as I fear the movie going public’s future. If this or worse is what we can expect from Zack Snyder, then consider me infuriated. By the way, Snyder should also feel very lucky that Alice is not a real person, or she’d take a machine gun and make him her first target, along with everyone involved in this wretched visual torture.

Rating:   / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Scott Schaefer

We had the pleasure recently of seeing our favorite B-Town area neighbor Manuela Horn perform in “Radio Free Starlight,” the current production at Seattle’s Teatro Zinzanni, and we must say – she and her castmates really rocked the house Spiegeltent!

Manuela, who was recruited by the folks at Zinzanni and brought to the US from Berlin in 2001, not only brings amazing comedic timing to the table, but she also brings elements of her imposing 6’2″ Yodeling Dominatrix act that a lot of our Readers know and love.

Oh, and if you’re lucky, she may just stop by your table to spank you.

But Manuela isn’t the only reason to attend – if you’ve never attended a Zinzanni show, here’s an idea of what to expect:

• A sumptuous, five-course feast of a dinner by Celebrated Northwest chef Tom Douglas. Tom is Executive Chef and owner of Dahlia Lounge, Etta’s Seafood, Lola, the Palace Kitchen and, most recently, Serious Pie restaurants.
• Amazing ambience in a 100-year old historic ‘Spiegeltent,’ located just across from the Seattle Center on Mercer Street. It’s about a 20-minute drive from the Burien area using the 509/99 Viaduct “secret freeway” to the Western Ave exit down to Mercer.



• A hilarious, well-produced vaudeville-style production that will astound you and make you laugh at nearly ever turn.
• An amazingly-talented cast that really “works the room” – that is, in-between acts they’ll actually come to your table, sit down, talk, crack jokes, or even make flowers for you out of packing tape!
• Humorous crowd interaction where YOU can actually be in the show!
• Great music, from legendary Seattle blues singer Duffy Bishop, who belts out several wonderful tunes, including a version of the Beatles’ “In My Life” that brought tears to my Mom’s eyes, all backed by a top-notch band led by legendary Seattle Music Director Norman Durkee.
• Did we mention the excellent five-course dinner and the chance of being spanked by Manuela?

Our personal experience was a dinner date with our 81-year old Mom, who just loved the show. One reason could be that it’s centered around a “live” radio show, with nervous actors, hosts, producers and others scrambling to make sure everything goes right. Since Mom grew up listening to radio way back before there was wi-fi or Netflix, many moments in the show really resonated with her. There’s music. There’s acrobats hanging from the ceiling doing an awkward mating ritual. There’s a juggling segment that is astounding. One guy plays a real Theremin. There’s an amazing, sexy acrobat woman who plays a Martian. There’s plate spinning. There’s even an amazing hula hoop segment by Mat Plendl, with lit, glow-in-the-dark hoops that will blow your mind, all done to one of the rockinest Big Band tunes of all time, Benny Goodman’s “Sing Sing Sing” – here’s a video of him rehearsing:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Oh, and remember your Server? That’s her out on the floor with the actors doing a choreographed musical number, serving salads, or the main course, in a rehearsed dance sequence with her co-workers! You see, everyone who works at Teatro Zinzanni is in the show, from the Servers to the forlorn-looking woman in the French maid costume (wait, is she an actress or a waitress?) to that tall, lost-looking 6’2″ (or taller in heels) “Server” (wait, that’s Manuela!) who seemingly can’t find the table she’s supposed to deliver a tray of drinks to.

There’s always something going on in this tent, no matter where you look.

Then there’s the Host, a little comedian named Joe De Paul who commands your attention every time he appears on the scene as cooking host “Ricky Fine.” He may be short, but his expert comedy chops are huge, especially when he does his solo impression of the climactic scene from “King Kong” (yes, you read that last sentence correctly) – this scene gets so absurd, and Joe commits himself to the role so strongly that you may end up laughing so hard, you’ll be happy they don’t serve milk here, otherwise it’d spurt out your nose. I’m serious.

The current show runs through May 8th. Ticket prices range from $106 to $141 per person, which includes the five-course dinner and the amazing 3+ hour show – you can order tickets online here – and believe me, it’s worth every penny.

From their website:

Torch singer Duffy Bishop retakes center ring as Madame ZinZanni, owner of the tent and singing star for Radio KTZ. With her motley restaurant staff of clowns, she and comedian Joe De Paul broadcast nightly into the cosmos with some inter-galactic surprises.

Directed by Norm Langill, Radio Free Starlight features hula-hoop champion and performance artist Mat Plendl, rolo bola and juggling acrobat Bernard Hazens, comic trapeze duo the Die Maiers, the yodeling dominatrix Manuela Horn, opera singer Juliana Rambaldi and newcomer aerialist Danielle Rueda-Watts.

Part circus, part dinner theatre, Teatro ZinZanni is a big night out unlike any other, a three and a half hour whirlwind of international cirque, comedy and cabaret artists all served up with a five-course feast designed by celebrated Northwest chef Tom Douglas. An ever-evolving and constantly changing production, Teatro ZinZanni combines improv comedy, vaudeville revue, music, dance, cirque and sensuality into a dizzying and colorful new form that is never quite the same from evening to evening. The fast-paced action of the show unfolds above, around and even alongside the audience as they dine on a gourmet meal. Teatro ZinZanni is guaranteed to dazzle.

Don’t forget to “Like” Manuela on Facebook here.

Here are some videos of some of the performers in action:

Sexy Acrobat Danielle Rueda-Watts performing:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Duffy Bishop belting one out:

Our own interview with Manuela Horn:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Manuela’s landmark appearance on “America’s Got Talent”:

Click here to view the embedded video.

by Philip Benais

Red Riding Hood; Directed By Catherine Hardwicke: Starring Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Shiloh Fernandez, Virginia Madsen, Julie Christie and Max Irons.

Being a legitimate cinema lover is a tough act to follow sometimes; for every 2001: A Space Odyssey or Solyaris, a new kind of entertainment rears its head in the form of Pierre Kirby and Reb Brown style exploitation films. While technically some of the worst films ever made, these trashy gems provide hours upon hours of laughter and enjoyment. There is of course, another strain of terrible films. The kind of derivative hogwash that fancies itself as something more. Twilight has been the reigning champ of this sort of film ever since the atrocious ‘novels’ were adapted by a director known primarily for retelling the story of Jesus Christ’s birth. Indeed, many brain dead tweens have adopted The Twilight Saga as their gospel on romantic fiction. I am neither twelve years old nor mentally challenged so naturally I view Twilight as an embarrassment to vampires, werewolves and romance. When you’ve seen Casablanca (in my mind the greatest romance film of all time) mopey valley girls and vacuous pretty boys who sparkle just don’t have the same effect as on someone with no knowledge of culture or taste. Lo and behold in 2011 Catherine Hardwicke has chosen to revert back to the hellish formula that made her so successful, only this time also bastardizing a classic fable of everyone’s childhood. Of course, I’m sugarcoating it right now; Red Riding Hood is not only a prime example of everything wrong with films today, but also one of the worst adaptations and love stories of all time. If there is a film worse than Red Riding Hood this year, I will officially give up hope for the film industry. To reach this level of abject misery takes a certain anti-talent, the likes of which M. Night Shyamalan is ridiculed for these days. Move over M. Night, there’s a new queen of bad films in town.

The story (as plagiarized from Stephanie Meyer of all people) follows Valerie, the not quite Bella Swan who falls in love with Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix’s love child. They live in a village terrorized by a dog (er, ‘werewolf’) whose villagers have grown accustomed to sacrificing livestock every full moon. Valerie’s sister is then killed after speaking no lines of dialogue and eventually an outsider is brought in to deal with the problem. Enter Gary Oldman, a tough as nails inquisition type with one of the most entertaining two dollar accents this side of Nicolas Cage in Con Air. As all of the ‘wolf’ hysteria continues Valerie has to choose between the man she loves and the man her family wants her to marry, even though they’re both doe-eyed simpletons without an ounce of humanity. Will the villagers fend off the beast? Will Valerie find true love? Will Gary Oldman finally tell us which accent he’s butchering? All of these questions and more are shoddily answered in a film that runs for an eternity.

Let’s dive right into the root of the problem with this ‘love story’; most importantly how it is NOT a love story. When the best Hollywood screenwriters can do is present sloppy, two dimensional and unforgivingly boring characters that presents a quandary. In a love story the idea is to present two characters drawn together or torn apart by an emotion they grow to understand through conflicts and joys alike. When the only set up you have is that some delirious bimbo has to choose between two hunks of interchangeable meat that spout cliched lines, all you hope for is that the boys get killed and the girl finds a nice companion of the same sex. THAT would make things slightly interesting, but instead we’re stuck with the shameless retreading of the Twilight nonsense, so much so that I was expecting Shiloh Fernandez to mess up a line and call Amanda Seyfried ‘Bella’. At least then the film would have been honest with itself as a cheap cash in, as opposed to a darker take on a classic story like what Alan Moore did with Lost Girls (which would make a great film by the way).

Furthermore, the beast in the film is not a werewolf. It’s a dog who was injected with one too many steroids. It would be better to combat it with a bone and repeating the words ‘Bad Fido’. When the romance and the monster both blow chunks in your tween mental masturbation, it’s time to consider some other genre of film. There is laughter to be had whenever Gary Oldman is chewing the scenery, but between the destruction of the source material and the horrendous reference to Three Little Pigs (spin off bait?) amongst all the other atrocities Red Riding Hood is not worth your time, money or thought. After you read this, forget everything you know about this trainwreck. Do yourself a favor; stay home, rent Casablanca and enjoy a true classic. Gary Oldman may have given this film a half star rating, but the real question is not about this ‘film’. It’s a question about Gary Oldman; from Bram Stoker’s Dracula to Red Riding Hood, who knows what the future holds for one of my favorite actors? Everyone else might as well quit now or forever be doomed to a purgatory of Twilight rip offs.

Rating: ½ / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

West; Directed By Alan Wilkie: Starring Eric Hartley, Adrienne Grieco, David Roby, Amber Rack, Doug Knoop, Stephen R. Scheide, Erika Zabelle and Nancy Warren. Written by T.M. Sell. Music by Nancy Warren.

In my time as a critic, it seems certain patterns have emerged more distinctly than others. So when I was commissioned to see West at Breeders Theater I decided to follow my usual pattern of not researching the play before I saw it. So far, this pattern has led to many pleasant surprises but I think West may be among the most pleasant of the bunch. Right off the success of Casting Call, the cast and crew of Breeders Theater strikes gold again with a production that’s at once a throwback to classic Hollywood romance stories of the 30’s – 50’s and a new entry in the genre; except as a play.

The story follows the tale of two families, the Olsons and the Dokkens whose lives are more connected than they first seem. Olie Olson (Eric Hartley) is the head of a farming family, having immigrated to America at the height of homesteading with nothing but an extra shirt. Harald Dokken (Doug Knoop) is a banker, a steadfast man who believes in hard work and discipline. On one fateful day, Glenda Olson (Adrienne Grieco) and George Dokken (David Roby), meet. What at first seems like annoyance at first sight blossoms into something they never though possible. Throughout the course of the play we follow George and Glenda as they succeed and fail, struggle and sacrifice, all in a story that has as many laughs as it does genuine drama. This is a story that will warm your heart and tug at your heart strings, but most importantly, it’ll make you want to sing half as well as the actors do.

The most striking aspect of West is how well all of the individual parts combine into a whole; the wonderful music, the terrific performances, the stellar writing all combined to form something that is nostalgic but level headed, sentimental but grounded in reality. It’s crucial spiritual nourishment for the inner romantic in all of us and by the end, I guarantee you’ll want more. It’s not just that the characters are fully realized by great actors who obviously care about the audience. It’s not just that the music will have you stirring in your seat and humming the tunes the morning after. It’s not just that the writing has shades of some of the greatest romance stories of all time. It’s ultimately how all of these elements manage to be as great as you’d think and so much more. West gets my highest recommendation. If you’re looking for a romantic evening out at the theater or just feel like you could use a real love story and not the nonsense they’re peddling today try heading to a showing of West. You’ll love every minute of it.

Breeders Theater’s “West” opens at 7pm this Friday night, March 11th at E.B. Foote Winery, located at 127B SW 153rd St., Burien, and continues through:

• Saturday, March 12
• Sunday, March 13 (2 p.m.)
• Wednesday, March 16
• Thursday, March 17
• Friday, March 18
• Saturday, March 19
• Sunday, March 20 (2 p.m.)
• Wednesday, March 23
• Thursday, March 24
• Friday, March 25
• Saturday, March 26

Doors open at 6:30 p.m. and showtime is at 7 p.m.

Sunday matinees are March 13 and 20, with doors open at 1:30 p.m. and showtime at 2 p.m.

Tickets are $20 (includes wine tasting), and are available at the winery, 206-242-3852, and at Corky Cellars, 22511 Marine View Drive, Des Moines, 206-824-9462. Cash or check only. For more information on tickets, click here.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

The Clean House; Directed by Maggie Larrick: Starring Luciana McCadden, Geni Hawkins, Brynne Garman, Stela Diaz and Russ Kay. Written by Sarah Ruhl.

The Clean House is not unlike the other productions I’ve seen at Burien Little Theatre in many ways, but it’s also quite different in just as many ways. Combining dramatic gravitas with sardonic wit, The Clean House is a play that offers laughs, warmth and the occasional dramatic moment all wrapped in an eclectic and largely satisfying whole. It will warm your heart and make you think, two things that I highly value in any theatrical production. If you enjoy heartfelt stories and terrific acting, The Clean House is a surefire way to go.

The story follows three women whose lives are intertwined; Matilde (Luciana McCadden), the Brazilian housekeeper in search of the perfect joke, Lane (Geni Hawkins), a career-obsessed doctor with little time for emotions and Virginia, (Brynne Garman) Lane’s neurotic sister. When Lane’s husband Charles (Russ Kay) says he’s found his soulmate in another woman (Stela Diaz), it disrupts the established order of Lane, Virginia and Matilde’s lives. Throughout the course of the play and as we learn more about each character we find that at its heart, The Clean House is a play about appreciating the simple beauties in life, taking your time and enjoying each brilliant moment you have on earth, for it may be gone tomorrow.

We also see the dynamic nature of each character and what they bring to the story. Matilde for instance is sweet, amiable and charismatic, the kind of person that brightens anyone’s day. Lane is a stern, fastidious woman who values discipline and results. Virginia borders on obsessive compulsive but in the end is simply searching for an outlet for her frustration. As much as the play is wonderfully written, the energy that the cast brings to the material is nothing short of striking. Just when you think you have a certain character pegged, they show another side of themselves, truly evoking the humanity of both the material and the performances. In short, it was captivating and I commend everyone involved for showing care and devotion for the production and in the process, giving us another must see hit at Burien Little Theatre.

The production is at the Theater at the Burien Community Center Annex, located at 425 SW 144th Street; phone: (206) 242-5180.

Tickets are $15-$20 online, and $17-$20 at the box office, with all tickets just $7 on Seven Buck Sunday, Feb. 13.

SPECIAL B-TOWN BLOG DEAL:
We’ve got an exclusive Coupon that will help you save $2 off tickets for everyone in your party (see details in the coupon):

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There are only three remaining performances of The Clean House, so be sure get your tickets now:

• Friday, March 4 at 8:00 p.m.
• Saturday, March 5 at 8:00 p.m.
• Sunday, March 6 at 8:00 p.m. (Finish folding the laundry!)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

The Green Hornet; Directed by Michel Gondry; Starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Tom Wilkinson and Cameron Diaz.

Sometimes a superhero film doesn’t need to challenge our perceptions of right and wrong. Sometimes a superhero film doesn’t have to present a gritty crime caper with aspirations of Shakespeare. Sometimes, you just want to see something hilarious with lots of explosions. Green Hornet is that kind of film, a light and yet subtly made parody of the serious superhero film we’ve come to expect with the advent of the Nolanverse Batman and Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. If you’re expecting drama and nihilistic villains you need to look somewhere else. From the earliest previews I knew I would like Green Hornet, but I didn’t know that I would love it and that this dreadfully underrated gem would broach my favorite comic book films of all time. Simply put, Green Hornet is the perfect superhero comedy, a feat that has been attempted in the past but never managed to go beyond corny nostalgia. With this film, Michel Gondry has proven himself to be an auteur with a sense of humor, able to make compelling dramas but also step back and give us a fantastic action comedy, and more importantly a bang to start off the new year.

Green Hornet follows the story of Britt Reid (Seth Rogen), a reckless, fun loving playboy and son of the famous James Reid (Tom Wilkinson), newspaper mogul and publisher of The Daily Sentinel. Britt and his father have never seen eye to eye, but when James is found dead of an allergic reaction to a bee sting, Britt secludes himself. Eventually he meets Kato (Jay Chou) his father’s former mechanic and all-around human Swiss army knife. After some heavy drinking, Britt and Kato decide to head out on the town and commit a little vandalism. However, what starts as a childish prank quickly becomes a rescue and soon Britt has an idea; what if he and Kato became superheros? Disguised as villains, they could infiltrate the criminal underworld headed up by Chudnofsky (the brilliant Christoph Waltz) and rid the city of its’ scourge. Will Green Hornet succeed? How does lovely Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) fit into this? Of course, my favorite question, why did the critical consensus for this film reek of snobbery?

Right off the bat, I was dismayed by the polarizing response that Green Hornet received from other critics, but when I saw it I didn’t see the horrible film they claimed it was, I saw a film that people really just didn’t know what to do with. How many superhero comedies exist? Not very many. What’s been the usual critical consensus for them? Hatred. Sure, it’s fine if superheros deal with rape and torture but the minute Gangster’s Paradise starts playing with Seth Rogen and Jay Chou singing along it’s a terrible film. What struck me even more is that even if we accept that Green Hornet failed at what it attempts to do, it was made in such a way that it not only makes fun of itself at every turn, but pokes fun of every other superhero cliche throughout the years.

Let’s be honest, Seth Rogen is not a superhero…but that’s what makes it so grand! Never in a million years would I have imagined him as an action star and a worthwhile character but lo and behold, he pulls it off. How about Christoph Waltz as the villain whose only gimmick is that he’s in search of a gimmick? Or Cameron Diaz as the seemingly usual female character who doesn’t end up with either of the main characters and by the end is irritated beyond all belief? These are ideas that most superhero films look over but Green Hornet has the capacity to take these ideas and not only be funny at face value but also be funny as a deftly made, possibly unintentional satire.

Jay Chou steals the show as Kato though, providing us with great laughs and incredible action sequences thanks to his martial arts skills and ‘Kato Vision’. The writing for the film feels like every superhero film and no superhero film simultaneously, a feat that only dumb luck could have accomplished. All of these elements combined with Michel Gondry’s distinctive visual style provide a great time at the movies. Maybe the fact that that’s all I expected from this film helped me enjoy it a lot more. Maybe since professional critics need to seem like legitimate cinema lovers they shun films like this for credibility. In the end though, this film gets my highest recommendation. Not in a high art sense, but in the same way I would recommend the original Highlander or Boondock Saints. It might be corny at times but Green Hornet backs it up with laughs, action and genuine entertainment. See it, love it, talk about it.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

The King’s Speech; Directed By Tom Hooper: Starring Colin Firth, Geoffery Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Gambon and Guy Pearce.

It goes without saying that if you know me, I usually can’t stand period dramas. They all seem to follow a predictable path to a conclusion we all know is coming. Chances are also that they rack up more Academy Award/Golden Globe nominations than films that deserve them. (i.e. The Dark Knight and Watchmen). However, as I left the theater after watching The King’s Speech I was, if you’ll excuse the pun, speechless. Here is a film that came straight out of left field to deliver a powerful and emotional experience that stands toe to toe with the best 2010 had to offer, like True Grit, The Fighter, etc. I can say in all safety that The King’s Speech deserves every bit of praise it has garnered and is sure to garner. Colin Firth as King George VI delivers the best performance of any actor in 2010, bar none. I was, in all sincerity ready to give that to Leonardo DiCaprio for Shutter Island or Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network, but after watching the devotion and care that Colin Firth rewarded us with, it goes without saying.

The story follows Albert, The Duke Of York as he overcomes the stammer that has plagued him his entire life. We see several failed attempts before we’re introduced to Lionel Logue, (Geoffery Rush) an unconventional Australian speech therapist who helps Albert and becomes the closest thing to a friend he has. As George V becomes increasingly weaker, political machinations work in favor of Albert’s brother David, who shirks the responsibilities of the crown in order to pursue an American divorcee. Albert, with the help of Logue and his wife (Helena Bonham Carter) must show that he can step in as king, and overcome any problems he may have for his people and his country at the start of World War II.

Right off the bat, what works extremely well is the dialogue, written with an edge of sardonic wit that boosts the entire film to a level it may not have been without it. Geoffery Rush is astounding as Lionel Logue and a perfect compliment to Colin Firth’s George VI. In fact, everyone is on their A Game here, personifying exactly who they need to be when they need to be them. This is a film that knows what it wants to get from us but takes it’s time and in doing so made a risky decision. So many period dramas have floundered because of  skewed timing, but King’s Speech is the rare film that doesn’t. Not only does time fly when you watch these brilliant actors recite this brilliant dialogue, but chances are you won’t even want it to end. I know I didn’t, and without saying too much the ending, synchronized perfectly with Beethoven’s 7th Symphony Allegretto, is nothing short of breathtaking. This is a film for mature, cultured people who will receive the very finest entertainment for being patient. Even if the award bearers snub Christopher Nolan as they have continually done, I can at least proudly say that my runner up is The King’s Speech. For a film nominated for seven Golden Globes, I can say that every one that it wins, it has earned.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]