Burien’s John F. Kennedy Catholic High School has announced it will rebate back to students’ parents portions of the tuition the parents have paid to have their kids attend Kennedy.

And it’s because the students have done so well there.

“In an era when many public schools in the Puget Sound area are receiving massive public grants because the failure and dropout rates of its students have been so abysmal, it’s the other way around here at Kennedy,” the private school said in a prepared statement.

“On average, our students’ grades, graduation rates and community service and involvement is at least 50% higher than equivalent age students in Western Washington,” the Kennedy statement said. “And we run things efficiently around here, with motivated teachers and staff. And so, we are giving back.”

Parents of eligible students will be contacted in writing by the school, the statement said.

The rebate offer is retroactive to tuition paid to Kennedy as far back as April Fools Day, 2004.

The rebate program is similar to one recently announced by Slooflir Catholic High School, located in the township of Slooflir, PA.

Slooflir, PA, is Burien’s Sister City.

The City of Burien announced today (Friday, April 1st) that, due to a “major, serious lack of interest,” and “not a chance in hell that this thing will ever sell,” they will be imploding the troubled Burien Town Square development as part of a new city-sponsored fireworks event on July 4th.

“We’re gonna implode this sucka in the same style that many old Vegas hotels have been blowed up,” said Mike Martin via a series of Tweets. “In fact, we’re using the same company that has imploded many others. And get this – there will be fireworks too! It’s gonna be aweso-” he added before running out of Twitter characters.

Once the nearly-empty building is destroyed, it will be replaced by a brand new Gottschalk’s department store. Groundbreaking will begin on July 5th.

“It’ll be great to have a real department store in downtown Burien,” said newly-hired Economic Development & Fashion Manager Skip Quigley. “Because that’s what this city has been missing – a place centrally located where you can buy noisy cord pants. Hey, do you know if anyone actually lives in that building? Oh well, they’ll find out eventually, right?”

Burienites will finally have a centrally-located department store, where they can buy noisy cord pants.

Bleachers are already being erected in Town Square Park, a giant Beer Garden will be built, and the city plans on charging $25 per person to witness the spectacle, which will begin at 10pm sharp on Monday, July 4th.

Viewers must register on the city’s website, and a 23-page Release Form must be signed, along with something called a “Notice For Next Of Kin.”

Children will be encouraged to play for FREE on 15 newly-installed Bouncy Houses that will be placed on the sidewalks, immediately adjacent to and surrounding the Town Square building.

We Blow ‘Em Up Real Good, a Kent-based company best known for exploding a whale on the Oregon Coast, along with many other “theatrical” implosions throughout the world (see demo videos below), was the lowest bidder, and has been contracted to destroy Burien Town Square for the bargain rate of $1,349.99. Meth-influenced workers have already broken into Town Square and have placed 265 explosive charges throughout the building, and will connect confusing wire fuses to a faulty generator beginning July 3rd, immediately following a work party sponsored by Jågermeister at Mick Kelly’s Irish Pub.

“This should be a hella 4th that this city will not soon forget!” added Mayor Joan McGilton, who cast the deciding vote to assign herself as the sole dignitary to set off the implosion by pushing a giant red ignition button. “I can hardly wait!”

Mayor McGilton will commence the implosion by breaking a large bottle of champagne over the giant red button, all while standing on the roof of Town Square, accompanied by city employees and councilmembers.

“This should give us all a very unique and interesting vantage point,” McGilton added.

Accompanying the mayor will BTB Photographer Michael Brunk, who will be roaming inside the building taking photos, along with Bart Bryan, shooting video from a corner condo as it implodes – both capturing exclusive, never-before-seen “Inside Point-Of-View” angles of the implosion.

We plan on streaming a live video of the implosion right here on The B-Town Blog, so be sure to look for that beginning at Noon on July 4th. We’ll also be covering the city’s memorial service, already planned for the following Saturday, July 9th.

Here are some videos of previous implosions We Blow ‘Em Up Real Good has done:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dear B-Town Blog Readers -

Just a short note to let everyone know that I did my bestest today editing this here website, and that I will be signing off now, eh?

I had fun, and I hope my choices of stories were good enough for y’all, eh? I sat here in the BTB offices with my AP Stylebook and notes from Scottso, and did what I could with the info I had. I know he’ll be looking at dis later, so Scottso please let me know how I did.

Thanks especially to everyone out there who has an actual sense o’humor, as today could be the last time I ever do this. It’s a special day for some folks ’round here, ‘specially Scottso, who told me to post what I could, when I could, and how I thought it should be posted, including pics and such.

For all you out there who didn’t get it, lemme just remind y’all that today was a day called April Fools’ Day. Aside from being the birthday of some dude named J.P. Patches, whose pic is framed on the wall at the BTB offices, it’s a day where people are ‘sposed to have F.U.N.

I know I did, and I hope you got a smile out of our day of story posting as well. It was for sures a wEiRd nEwS dAy here in Boorien!

For my fam damily, thanks for the Tweet and book ‘Face shoutouts today – for sures it helped. I have to return now to a med center in Sloopflir, PA for more experimental treatments for my Lyme Disease-related mental critical thinking issues, and hope none of ‘em came through in my journalistic choices for stories that I done posted here.

Peace Out,
Robb Patrickson

PS: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EVERYONE!

I recently returned from The National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference, which was held in Ventura, California.

My new writing group BFF, Karen Rinehart, award-winning humorist and author, cajoled me into attending and I have to say I enjoyed every minute—except for that one time I waited in a long line for a drink, ordered a delicious beverage only to find I had no money, but I digress.

I’d like to say that I hung with all of my contemporaries at the Crown Plaza Hotel, but reality bit when I met Jeff Zaslow from The Wall Street Journal and co-author of “The Last Lecture.” I mean really, I write the humor column for The B-Town Blog (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and I don’t recall winning any awards recently or for that matter have any other credentials that allowed me entrance to such an esteemed society. But times are hard and Karen said:

“It doesn’t matter, they need people to fill the conference room, all the newspapers are shutting down or going Chapter 11, you could be a graffiti tagger and they’d let you in.”

So I went.

What a treat, let me tell you about it.

I loved Bruce Cameron who created “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.” He’s a hoot and so generous with his vast knowledge. He wants me to write a screenplay about Mr. Big and Mr. Small (my two dogs.) He said so—honest.

“Anyone can write a screenplay, it’s easier than writing a book, you just have to have an interesting premise and a dynamite protagonist,” he said.

Heck, how easy would that be? Mr. Big and Mr. Small, also known as Gus and Jack, don’t even talk—unless you count the fabricated storylines that my husband Tom comes up with.

Jeff Zaslow, the Wall Street Columnist that I mentioned earlier is my other new BFF. He doesn’t know it yet but we are gonna be tight. I could tell he liked me after I questioned him about his writing methods. I’m not sure why he walked away so quickly after I gave him my pitch—he’s very important and most likely had another appointment.

Steve Lopez, one of the keynote speakers brought tears to my eyes when he discussed the plight of the homeless. His columns featuring the homeless violinist, Nathaniel Ayers morphed into a book, and then the movie, “The Soloist.” I could go on about my “contemporaries” and such, however I don’t want any of my readers to get the idea that I’m bragging—as if!

Maybe some of the creative magic will rub off on me—I don’t know. I’m seriously contemplating the “Mr. Big and Mr. Small” screenplay. I just can’t decide who should play the lead. Mr. Big does a mean imitation of beggar-dog at least I think he’s playing a part when he sits at my feet each night as I wolf down dinner. And Mr. Small—well he’s just so stinkin’ cute and smart. For years, I’ve blamed Mr. Big for the pee stains on the family room carpet. Last week I caught Mr. Small doing the deed with a guilty look on his face. Smart—like a fox, he could certainly memorize a few different dialogue barks. Lassie has nothing on him. Heck, he should have attended the conference (Mr. Small that is, not Lassie.)

That’s all for now from your humble roving humor reporter for The B-Town Blog.

I’ve got to get to my screenplay.

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

Hey Cookie-Lou…it’s Hal “Chickie” Spear here with a travel tip so hot that it could brand the butt of a bitchy B-Town bull!

This is definitely something that only the Co$t Con$ciou$ Comic could find, since all he does lately is travel doing cruise ships and Vegas:

After my next cruise ship gig the muckymucks are flying me into Seattle but instead of  taking the second half of the itinerary - back home to Joisey – I’ve been pricing tickets on Expedia – for a trip from Seattle to Vegas on that day.

So Jet Blue is offering this most ridiculous flight plan – 11:39 pm Seattle into – get this – JFK NY! – then connect in JFK for a second plane to Vegas.  The entire trip from Seattle to Vegas  is 14 hours and 49 minutes!

But here’s the punchline Cookie:

The ticket is only $109 dolllars – that right – $109 smackarooneys (before taxes):

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We actually found the same ticket for just $99, but your mileage may vary...]

So technically you can buy this $109 ticket and use only the first part of the itinerary – just to NY – but make sure your Readers don’t check their luggage in all the way through Vegas (it’s called Carry On for a reason); the tag should read NY JFK - and bang, you’ll have a one way trip from Seattle to NY JFK for a measley $109 dollars!

If you try to buy a ticket direct to JFK, it’s usually around $159, and of course it’ll also cost your dignity since Homeland Security will be givin’ ya a full-on feely-meely friskie fest at SeaTac, seeing that one-way tix users are considered “terror risks.” But that’s yer problem Cookie-Lou, not mine – remember, I’m just the Co$t Con$ciou$ Comic.

Now that’s comedy my friend.

That’s comedy.

[Hal "Chickie" Spear is an old co-writer and friend of Scott Schaefer, Publisher/Editor of this here Blog. Chickie and Scottso wrote together for many years on Fox's "The Late Show" and Paramount's "The Arsenio Hall Show."]

Under the terms of the deal, Microsoft will pay the Sounders roughly $4 million a season for five years, according to people familiar with the arrangement.

Unfortunately, when a player gets “Blue Screened” and has to be re-booted, the entire cache of the stadium must be cleared and the BIOS re-set, but this usually only takes about seven to eight minutes…

We here at the B-Town Blog often drive aimlessly around the area, burning up precious fossil fuels, cranking our crazy kid music up loud, digital camera in hand, looking for interesting, unusual or odd stuff to photograph and later make fun of.

Well, we found a doozy right here in our own backyard – the following photos were taken at Discount Tire, which is located basically in the parking lot of Fred Meyer on First Ave South at 143rd:

1. Wide shot of Discount Tire. Nothing unusual, but there’s something odd about that banner hanging in the pit that says “We Beat Costco!“

2. Closeup of the banner in question, revealing the truth:

[DISCLAIMER: This is the first in a series of comedic photo "bits" done by comedy writer/B-Town Blog Publisher/Editor Scott Schaefer. Remember, this is just a joke...]