I recently returned from The National Society of Newspaper Columnists Conference, which was held in Ventura, California.
My new writing group BFF, Karen Rinehart, award-winning humorist and author, cajoled me into attending and I have to say I enjoyed every minute—except for that one time I waited in a long line for a drink, ordered a delicious beverage only to find I had no money, but I digress.
I’d like to say that I hung with all of my contemporaries at the Crown Plaza Hotel, but reality bit when I met Jeff Zaslow from The Wall Street Journal and co-author of “The Last Lecture.” I mean really, I write the humor column for The B-Town Blog (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and I don’t recall winning any awards recently or for that matter have any other credentials that allowed me entrance to such an esteemed society. But times are hard and Karen said:
“It doesn’t matter, they need people to fill the conference room, all the newspapers are shutting down or going Chapter 11, you could be a graffiti tagger and they’d let you in.”
So I went.
What a treat, let me tell you about it.
I loved Bruce Cameron who created “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.” He’s a hoot and so generous with his vast knowledge. He wants me to write a screenplay about Mr. Big and Mr. Small (my two dogs.) He said so—honest.
“Anyone can write a screenplay, it’s easier than writing a book, you just have to have an interesting premise and a dynamite protagonist,” he said.
Heck, how easy would that be? Mr. Big and Mr. Small, also known as Gus and Jack, don’t even talk—unless you count the fabricated storylines that my husband Tom comes up with.
Jeff Zaslow, the Wall Street Columnist that I mentioned earlier is my other new BFF. He doesn’t know it yet but we are gonna be tight. I could tell he liked me after I questioned him about his writing methods. I’m not sure why he walked away so quickly after I gave him my pitch—he’s very important and most likely had another appointment.
Steve Lopez, one of the keynote speakers brought tears to my eyes when he discussed the plight of the homeless. His columns featuring the homeless violinist, Nathaniel Ayers morphed into a book, and then the movie, “The Soloist.” I could go on about my “contemporaries” and such, however I don’t want any of my readers to get the idea that I’m bragging—as if!
Maybe some of the creative magic will rub off on me—I don’t know. I’m seriously contemplating the “Mr. Big and Mr. Small” screenplay. I just can’t decide who should play the lead. Mr. Big does a mean imitation of beggar-dog at least I think he’s playing a part when he sits at my feet each night as I wolf down dinner. And Mr. Small—well he’s just so stinkin’ cute and smart. For years, I’ve blamed Mr. Big for the pee stains on the family room carpet. Last week I caught Mr. Small doing the deed with a guilty look on his face. Smart—like a fox, he could certainly memorize a few different dialogue barks. Lassie has nothing on him. Heck, he should have attended the conference (Mr. Small that is, not Lassie.)
That’s all for now from your humble roving humor reporter for The B-Town Blog.
I’ve got to get to my screenplay.
Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.
All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.
Or something like that.
Read more of her humor at her website here.
Hey Cookie-Lou…it’s Hal “Chickie” Spear here with a travel tip so hot that it could brand the butt of a bitchy B-Town bull!
This is definitely something that only the Co$t Con$ciou$ Comic could find, since all he does lately is travel doing cruise ships and Vegas:
After my next cruise ship gig the muckymucks are flying me into Seattle but instead of taking the second half of the itinerary - back home to Joisey – I’ve been pricing tickets on Expedia – for a trip from Seattle to Vegas on that day.
So Jet Blue is offering this most ridiculous flight plan – 11:39 pm Seattle into – get this – JFK NY! – then connect in JFK for a second plane to Vegas. The entire trip from Seattle to Vegas is 14 hours and 49 minutes!
But here’s the punchline Cookie:
The ticket is only $109 dolllars – that right – $109 smackarooneys (before taxes):
[EDITOR'S NOTE: We actually found the same ticket for just $99, but your mileage may vary...]
So technically you can buy this $109 ticket and use only the first part of the itinerary – just to NY – but make sure your Readers don’t check their luggage in all the way through Vegas (it’s called Carry On for a reason); the tag should read NY JFK - and bang, you’ll have a one way trip from Seattle to NY JFK for a measley $109 dollars!
If you try to buy a ticket direct to JFK, it’s usually around $159, and of course it’ll also cost your dignity since Homeland Security will be givin’ ya a full-on feely-meely friskie fest at SeaTac, seeing that one-way tix users are considered “terror risks.” But that’s yer problem Cookie-Lou, not mine – remember, I’m just the Co$t Con$ciou$ Comic.
Now that’s comedy my friend.
That’s comedy.
[Hal "Chickie" Spear is an old co-writer and friend of Scott Schaefer, Publisher/Editor of this here Blog. Chickie and Scottso wrote together for many years on Fox's "The Late Show" and Paramount's "The Arsenio Hall Show."]
We have an exclusive peak at the gorgeous, branded jersey to be worn by the new Sounders FC soccer team, now sponsored by Microsoft:
Under the terms of the deal, Microsoft will pay the Sounders roughly $4 million a season for five years, according to people familiar with the arrangement.
Unfortunately, when a player gets “Blue Screened” and has to be re-booted, the entire cache of the stadium must be cleared and the BIOS re-set, but this usually only takes about seven to eight minutes…
BURIEN – Ever see a sign and wonder what it really means?
We here at the B-Town Blog often drive aimlessly around the area, burning up precious fossil fuels, cranking our crazy kid music up loud, digital camera in hand, looking for interesting, unusual or odd stuff to photograph and later make fun of.
Well, we found a doozy right here in our own backyard – the following photos were taken at Discount Tire, which is located basically in the parking lot of Fred Meyer on First Ave South at 143rd:
1. Wide shot of Discount Tire. Nothing unusual, but there’s something odd about that banner hanging in the pit that says “We Beat Costco!“
2. Closeup of the banner in question, revealing the truth:
[DISCLAIMER: This is the first in a series of comedic photo "bits" done by comedy writer/B-Town Blog Publisher/Editor Scott Schaefer. Remember, this is just a joke...]
