We love the character this town we call Burien exudes, and today we’re featuring our current fave sign, which is perched atop a semi-new Mexican restaurant located at 14445 Ambaum Blvd SW called “El Pique” (which translates to “The Sting,” perhaps referring to the flame-like spiciness of their peppers?):

You know the economy’s really hit the skids when people are “giving away” twisted and mangled tree stumps for FREE, as if they’re actually worth anything.

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > free stuff:

FREE tree stump (burien)

it’s just sitting here so if you want it let me know. Thanks for looking

If ya want this normally-expensive rotting piece o’wood at a huge discount, you’d better email sale-883298229@craigslist.org pronto!

by Shawn Underwood

The roads and lane dividers in the Burien intersections cannot get much worse.

Seriously, with all of the weaving required due to hastily applied road lines and dashes, we may as well be living in the Wild West, and revert to riding horses. Hayes Feed and Country Store, (formerly Kirk’s Feed Store) on SW 152nd, has enough hay to feed 100 starving mustangs – now all they need are hitchin’ posts in place of the parking stalls in the front.

The kindergarten chalk marks (lane lines) on SW 148th, and on the cross streets of First Ave. South and SW 160th require Mario Andretti-like driving skills.

More than once I have witnessed zombie-like drivers attempting to drive through an intersection, and then stop in the middle of it.

“Where in tarnation is my lane?” they say to themselves.

Once through the collision course intersection, take care not to run over the new constructed curb. The protrusion juts into the intersection, leaving the now thoroughly annoyed driver to either drive over the curb, or simply veer into the adjacent lane. This leads to “near misses” and most certainly to angry fists waving out the window, sometimes accompanied by foul language not printable in Underwood/Undercover’s column.

I wonder if the operator of city “lane-painting” machine is an artist. I imagine the dreadlocked artist thinking to himself, “Hmmm, these straight lines are so boring, a curvy line is really much more pleasant to look at.”

I personally take a deep breath when I motor behind people who get confused by the bumper car lanes. Maybe they are not “locals,” and are unaware of the haphazard lanes in the intersections, or perhaps a “Burienite” is late to work and looking for the toothpaste/toothbrush stashed in their deli-wagon.

Maybe it’s a test by the powers-that-be in the city of Burien. If we can navigate crooked laned intersections without causing mayhem and destruction, then possibly they will budget more money for planting REAL flowers in the center partition of 148th Avenue.

At one time cherry-colored pansies adorned the long median of SW 148th. Then the flowers were gone, not wilted, just dug up in the middle of the night. Some joker put a fake palm tree or some such thing in the median to replace the rainbow colored flowers. Possibly a hint to the city to plant REAL flowers, giving the taxpayers something to look at as we wait for the police to clear the inevitable fender bender in the poorly-painted intersection of death.

So, I am all about improving our little known oasis fondly known as “ B-Town,” but let’s get our priorities (or at least the lanes) in the intersections straight.

Otherwise, I guess I should be looking for a good “used” horse that can walk a straight line!

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

We’re always excited to see new businesses opening in our ‘hood, so we practically wet our pants when we spotted this signage by our blog offices near Ambaum Blvd. and SW 151st.

We were especially impressed with the handcrafted artwork and careful attention to detail the sign-painter used when creating this masterpiece.

Do you have any idea how long we’ve been waiting for an “Oak Untre Ote” to open here?

And can you believe that one will actually be opening in Burien soon? We’re getting in line now my friends…

Driving through our soon-to-be-annexed neighbor to the north this morning, we found this fascinating scene of nature vs man: a blackberry weed-like bush growing through a traffic cone on the corner of SW 107th and 21st SW (possibly cultivated that way by a nearby resident):

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NEWSFLASH: It’s not the roller coaster crashing stock market, bank failures or the impending election that’s a true sign of the apocalypse – it’s little things like this Craigslist Ad that are the real indicators of doom:

Found on: seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > general:

WHO’S THE BOSS COMPLETE FIRST SEASON 3 DISK SET – $5 (Seattle/Burien)

Selling Complete First Season of Who’s the Boss.

Great Conditon only been watched once.

Feel free to come by to take a look at it.

Cash Only Please.

Ask for Brian
206-243-2566
901 SW 118th ST
Seattle, WA 98146

Email: sale-847642783@craigslist.org

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

PEOPLE ARE SELLING THEIR BELOVED, VIEWED-ONLY-ONCE

“WHO’S THE BOSS” DVDs AT BARGAIN PRICES!

PRAISE BE TONY DANZA!

THE END IS NEAR!

The Burien Little Theatre opens its 2008/2009 season with the award winning musical, The Rocky Horror Show, and in the spirit of civic pride, during its 6-week run, will showcase the narrating talents of several notable public officials.

The Rocky Horror Show is an outrageous musical comedy featuring a Transylvania transvestite, a cryogenically-preserved motor biker and Frankenstein’s monster (with a Charles Atlas twist).

This sexy send-up of horror and science fiction film genres will run at the Burien Little Theatre from Sept. 26 through Nov. 3 (opening night is Friday, Sept. 26).

Tickets are $5-$18 and can be purchased online here.

The show opens with two naive teenagers, Brad and Janet, who run into car problems in the midst of a rainstorm. To find a phone, Brad and Janet walk to a nearby residence, the Frankenstein castle.  Instead of the hoped-for phone, they find Dr. Frank ‘n’ Furter, a mad scientist from another planet who is going to help the couple by removing “the cause, but not the symptoms.” The cure involves sexual escapades, floor shows, dancing, great music, the secret to life is revealed, and the show ends in a UFO, general chaos and sexual confusion for the previously naive Brad and Janet.

The Rocky Horror Show – music, lyrics and book by Richard O’Brien – debuted on stage June 19, 1973, in London where it ran for 2,960 performances before closing in early September of 1980. Since its debut, the show has been translated into a variety of languages and produced in cities all over the world, including two runs on Broadway. In 1975, the show was also made into the popular cult movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

THE CAST:
The Burien Little Theatre’s production of The Rocky Horror Show is directed by veteran BLT stage director Steve Cooper and music director Ann Sager. The show features the acting talents of Steve Bucheit (Frank ‘n’  Furter), Ashley Coates (Janet), Colin Madison (Brad), Jim Oestreich (Rocky), along with Ben Cornoyer, Michelle Flowers, Jackie Graybill, John Huddlestun, Jen Makenas, Allyson Manning,  Mok Moser, Dan Posluns, and Mark Williams.

THE MUSIC:
Richard O’Brien composed the music and lyrics for The Rocky Horror Show. This revival version of the production features 20 songs including the popular “Sweet Transvestite” and the highly participative “The Time Warp.” To make this soundtrack really throb, the Burien Little Theatre band includes Ann Sager, the show’s musical director, who is also playing the keyboard, Theron Andrews on lead guitar, Eddy Fey on bass guitar and, keeping the beat, Bill Riach on drums.

ABOUT BURIEN LITTLE THEATRE:
Community-based theater has been a tradition in Burien since 1955. Incorporated in 1980, The Burien Little Theatre (BLT) has been a leading producer of quality live theater serving residents of the Seattle and south Puget Sound areas. Burien’s Little Theatre Mission is to make every audience member’s experience at BLT a welcoming, lively and fun escape from the everyday world, beginning the moment they walk in the door, by providing high-quality, accessible and exciting theater. 
BLT is a non-profit 501c3 entity and operates on revenue from ticket sales, donations and volunteers.

THE SCHEDULE:

September 26 at 8:00pm – Friday: Your first chance to do the Time Warp with us!

September 27 at 8:00pm – Saturday

September 28 at 2:00pm – Sunday Matinee

October 3 at 8:00pm – Friday: Five Buck Friday, with Guest Narrator from Burien Parks Ms. Debbie Zemke

October 4 at 8:00pm – Saturday: Guest Narrator State Senator Joe McDermott

October 5 at 2:00pm – Sunday Matinee

October 10 at 8:00pm – Friday: Guest Narrator State Representative Sharon Nelson

October 11 at 8:00pm –  Saturday: Guest Narrator Burien City Councilmember Kathy Keene

October 12 at 2:00pm – Sunday Matinee

October 17 – NO SHOW!

October 18 at 8:00pm – Saturday: Guest Narrator Mr. Stephen Lamphear

October 19 at 2:00pm – Sunday Matinee: Guest Narrator United States Congressmember Jim McDermott

October 24 at 10:00pm – Friday

October 25 at 8:00pm – Saturday: Guest Narrator State Representative Dave Upthegrove

October 26 at 2:00pm – Sunday

October 31 at 10:00pm – Friday: HALLOWEEN!

November 1 at 8:00pm – Saturday

November 2 at 2:00pm – Sunday: FINAL SHOW! Your very last chance to do the Time Warp with us again!

To get you in the mood to buy tickets, here are a couple of videos from the cult film version:

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Avast ye mateys…Friday, Sept. 19th be National International “Talk Like A Pirate Day,” and here be a (pieces of) 8 list o’what ye should be doin’ ta’ celebrate it in the general B-Town ‘hood:

1. First, get yer booty up ta’ Party City an’ get yerself a pirate costume (just don’t ferget ye ol’ plastic parrot for ye shoulder)
2. Strut ’round Olde Burien in full pirate regalia, sayin’ things a pirate would to th’ local merchants (pirate lexicon & tips available here)
3. Go buy some new food fer yer hungry plastic shoulder parrot at Wild Birds Unlimited next ta’ Trader Joe’s
4. Rush into Trader Joe’s in full costume and ridicule the whole “where’s the monkey hiding” kid’s game really loudly in pirate speak (yet makin’ sure ta’ videotape it an’ sendin’ us yer YouTube link fer postin’!)
5. Go cheer on ye ol’ local high school football team, the Highline Pirates (“Arrgh Team!”) as they take on Mt. Rainier at 7pm at Highline Stadium
6. Go see one o’ the final performances of the Hi-Liners’ Peter Pan (showtime be 7:30pm; buy yer tix here ya scurvy dog!)
7. Drive slowly around SW 152nd near Lake Burien in hopes of findin’ ye Seafair Pirates’ “Moby Duck” amphibious mascot vehicle that be known ta’ hang ’round these here parts; if ye find it, be sure’n take pix of yeself wit’ it ta’ send us
8. Watch this video to learn how ye too can be talkin’ like a pirate in no time:

From BTB Advertiser Philip Kelley comes this joke:

Arrrgh! I loves Pirates. So in honor of Talk like a Prate Day, I thought I’d share one o’my favorite Pirate jokes with you worthless landlubbers:

Two Pirates are talking over their tankards of dark rum, one sez to the other “Ayyy, those are mighty nice earrings you’ve got there Pegleg Pete.”

“Oh, thanks. I bought these off’a one-eyed Spaniard in New Orleans; paid two dollars for ‘em.”

“Arrrgh, that’s a pretty good deal for a buccaneer.”

Avast, that’s funny.

PK

by Shawn Underwood

The other morning I awoke to the sounds of shouting and loud engines. Looking out the window, I noticed a plethora of boats in front of the house.

Hmmm, I guess the salmon are running, says I (which is weird, ‘cuz everyone knows salmon can’t run).

Later in the morning, as we walked the dogs along the beach (and yes, we were packing plenty of plastic poop bags thankyouverymuch), fisherman of all sizes and shapes were wading into the water with those rubber, thigh-high topper boots. They looked pretty serious (or at the very least wealthy) with their giant waders, pocketed vests full of fishing paraphernalia, and brightly colored sharp hook thingies hanging from their hats.

And of course, those $500 fishing rods.

Always looking for a story, I realized this was prime fodder for “Underwood/Undercover’s” column; action in the Three Tree Point neighborhood is usually newsworthy (and easy to cover since I can just walk to it).

After in-depth questioning from U.U., the wading fisherman told me that the annual Three Tree Point fishing derby was today. In fact, it was…right now! The fish “weigh in” was at high Noon on the corner of Three Tree Point. This really piqued my interest because I have not fished in some time and was itching to get out the old pole (rod in fish lingo) again.

Only a few things needed to be done to accomplish my goal:

1. A Fishing license needed to be procured post haste, as we just saw the Coast Guard speeding by. The fish cops were everywhere (I quickly checked my creel for a half-drunk can of Schmidt sport beer. Nope, all clear).
2. Find someone to row my boat – er, I mean fish with me and take notes.
3. Buy tackle at Big 5 Sporting Goods Store, however I had left the remainder of my cash on the table at 909 Coffee and Wine just this morning, so a trip to the cash machine was in order.
   
4. Wash “Ol’ Rusty” the trusty (but rusty) ol’ rowboat and drag it out of the weeds now growing over and into the boat.
5. Launch the boat (in other words, drag it down the hill and throw it over the bank.)

After I procured “the goods” from Big 5, I still needed to find someone to row the boat while I fished for “Walter” (code word for world’s biggest fish).

I found my lazy 18 year-old son in his usual spot – half asleep in front of the television. After much pleading on my part, he grunts something that sounded like: “maybe later.” But then again, I seem to have misplaced by Grunt-to-English Dictionary so I’m not really sure what the heck he said.

“Time is of the essence son, lets go, it will be a wonderful bonding experience!”

These words of encouragement fell on deaf ears. I think it was the utterance of the word “bonding” that sealed my doom.

Or the fact that I failed to translate my English to Grunt.

Seeing my curt dismissal from my son, my long-suffering husband then piped up and said he would be the “horse power” and row our 15-foot sturdy metal skiff (aka “Ol’ Rusty” which, come to think of it, isn’t so sturdy, and not so metallic anymore, and has probably rusted away some of its 15-foot length) while I fished.

After the usual bickering we launched the boat…well, sort of. Spouse rolled the rear-wheeled boat most of the way down the hill, and then pushed it over the bank. The loud crashing noise caused a nearby fisherman to look up, as if to say, “Not sporting old chap!” I noticed that his pipe fell out of his clenched teeth as he stared at us, mouth agape.

We caught a fish immediately with my pink florescent squid that I procured at Big 5. This marvelous little rubber-hooked-bouncer had always brought me good luck on my rare previous fishing forays. Our silver salmon was a good foot-and-a-half and put up quite a fight. We took a picture of the little fellow and let him go. Somehow I didn’t think my brave little fish would suffice for a “weigh in.” I couldn’t bear to keep him, and with my sketchy de-boning skills he would have been sushi by the time I finished with him.

My man-made horsepower rowed us around the point just in time for the weigh-in party. Little did we know that we were in for a treat. The great magician “Castro” (Who? Just in from Cuba perhaps??) performed a host of magic tricks, none of which involved rowing a rusty skiff or de-hooking an angry dogfish. However, the main event was the fish “weigh in,” and the prize awarded the biggest fish tale, I mean fish. The largest salmon weighed in at 17 pounds and had teeth to match. I spotted the usual assortment of dogfish and flounders but the salmon winner was a thing to behold.

And lo and behold – cna you guess which local neighborhood humor columnist won a prize?

Underwood/Undercover may have to take up a new hobby other than reporting the neighborhood happenings. I humbly accepted the “Best Sportsmanship” award, crediting my “man-made-horse-power” engine. Horsepower missed the award ceremonies, since he was just starting his long row back home in Ol’ Rusty, against the current (ha!).

As I walked home after the event, Horsepower loped up behind me. I proudly showed him our award and he held up his broken oar.

“I tied Ol’ Rusty up to a log on the beach,” he said.

The Three Tree Point Fishing Derby is held every year right before Labor Day, so come check it out. Wear your boots, and fish off the shore or procure a boat, hopefully with an engine.

It is my turn to row Ol’ Rusty next year, so I think we better start a few hours earlier.

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

by Shawn Underwood

Underwood Undercover here, entering the information superhighway via my coffee hole on-ramp office.

I look around to see what usual suspects are at the office today…er, um…I mean the Starbucks in Normandy Park.

Not only can I get a fresh brewed cup to my liking, I can observe the daily dramas that unfold. Not that I am eavesdropping. It’s not considered eavesdropping when it’s “research material” for my “column.” At times, customers breaking obvious coffee etiquette distract me, and that’s when I pull out my secret weapon: “air quotes.” Only these are used “in print” so “look out”!

Is it okay to talk loudly into your cell phone head set while in Starbucks?

NO, not okay.

One nearby yet unaware individual engages in a conversation over a phone that needs no phone if his intended recipient were within a mile of the booming voice. The only redeeming value in this obnoxious neighbor is the contest to insert made up replies to fill in the “blanks.” A casual observer might think this “Dress For Success” (unsuccessfully) person’s cheese has slipped off her cracker.  And who or what does the blabber look at when they impart their vital news? It is a bit bizarre, talking on one’s phone while others stand by and listen to your conversation. No, this is a definite Starbucks foul. I don’t mind cell phones, as long as they don’t ring; buzzing is okay, and then take your business outside so other busy people such as myself are not privy to your conversation, unless it is good for my “column.”

Underwood Undercover has also observed a certain “Man Ministry” of sorts that takes place at least once a week at her coffee hole. Freshly-scrubbed men of varying ages hold hands, with heads bowed (although I did spot one bowing dude checking out a lycra-clad gym attendee once but perhaps that was a form of “prayer”). Quiet talking ensues (sometimes I think they’re really whispering about me, which they obviously are), and of course tons of coffee is consumed like it’s some sort of holy water. As far as I’m concerned they can have their meeting but I don’t see how they can concentrate on their prayers with all that caffeine coursing through their veins.

Of course who am I to talk – I’m supposed to be writing about happenings in town and here I am watching everyone in my “office.” Whoops, my phone just rang. Forgot the buzzer feature, and just broke my own cardinal rule.

Not only do the “Man Ministry,” and ringing cell phones distract me, but also something else diverts my attention outside today: there are no less than six policemen and three civilians standing outside my headquarters. I check them out closely. Are they about to join hands and pray to the coffee gods? Hmmm…perhaps this will be a good tidbit for my column. I recognize a few of the policeman as “regulars,” so now I can claim that I have my own private protection right here at my place of work, sort of like my own “Secret Service.”

After all, I am Underwood Undercover.

On Sunday, the dynamics change at Starbucks. People flock in for coffee after church. Rummy-eyed parents with soccer/baseball kids in tow rush in for a caffeine pick-me-way-the-heck-up, and large groups congregate (hey, it’s Sunday, congregations are expected!). Empty seats are difficult to find. One family in particular are big offenders of a very obvious rule: “No Squatters Allowed.” They gather most of the chairs around a few tables, thus leaving chair-less tables for the rest of us. This rude family has twenty people in it, and not only are they LOUD, but one of them breaks my DRESS CODE and wears pajama bottoms, posing as pants to my office.

GEEZ!

Then there is the Single Dad and his darling-though-rambunctious child. Said child is about three. Her Dad talks to someone he knows while the small savage runs up, down, and around the displays. I suppose her Dad might finally notice something’s amiss if one of the mugs on the display case crashed to the floor. Rather lazy parenting if you ask me. He has not asked me yet but if he does…Underwood Undercover has her doggy leash in the car, and she’s not afraid to use it.

On someone else’s brat.

So feel free to stop off at Underwood Undercover’s office anytime, especially if you have “newsworthy” information for my “column.”

However, you must follow these rules, or be prepared to suffer the wrath of a totally hyped up and wickedly wired Underwood Undercover:

1. Turn your cell phone to “buzz only.”
2. Wear appropriate attire, no pajamas please.
3. Leash your lively children.
4. Leave at least two chairs to a table.
5. Stop checking out the lycra-clad chicks whilst “praying.”
   

Have a nice day!

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

by Shawn Underwood

I like dogs.

All kinds of dogs.

Except “biters” and those with foaming saliva on their molars.

The “biter” phenomenon is very evident in small yappers, the kind that yip and yap then bite and bite until the victim (usually me and my ankles) yaps, thus negating the “yapper phenomenon” via a double negative.

We have several “latchkey” dogs in our neighborhood as well. When I say “latchkey,” what I mean is that they don’t wear keys around their necks, then miraculously open the door to their home. No, when I say “latchkey” dog I mean the kind that just wanders around, latching onto anyone they deem latchable.

Two of my favorite latchkey dogs are called “Tuffy 1″ and “Tuffy 2.”

These two Westies are the spirited neighborhood mascots. They go everywhere together, paw in paw. I have spotted them chasing their Suburban-driving owner in a frantic attempt for a car ride. Of course, most dogs love car rides – who wouldn’t want to hang their head out the window with the wind blowing your ears back?

Tuffies 1 and 2 have been know to frequent “The Bean”, our local coffee shop, perhaps partaking in a “bow wow” so to speak with the other customers.

Another four-legged visitor to The Bean is a yellow lab. He trots about a mile up Maplewild hill for his biscuit and water. He is often seen with his boyfriend (not that there’s anything wrong with that…), who he picks up on his way to the coffee stand. His boyfriend is a friendly, fetching Irish setter.

Jason, the owner of The Bean, always stocks a good supply of doggy biscuits, so perhaps this is part of the doggy allure. Either that or maybe there’s a new frequent biscuit punch card thing going on.

I have not seen any cats in the coffee area but then this story is not about the neighborhood cats is it? So why do you ask?

The wandering latchkey canines also have latchkey human company at The Bean. A group of men from Maplewild meet there everyday, exactly at 9:15am and 3:15pm on the dot.

While the gentlemen yap, yap, yap, the dogs nap, nap, nap.

Sometimes it’s vice-versa, and other times it’s hard to tell whose who, or what’s what.

The two-legged species at The Bean are of an indeterminate age, meaning they are mostly retired but still full of beans, and I am not talking about coffee beans. I am not sure what they talk about twice a day. I wonder if the same subject comes up in the afternoon as was discussed in the morning.

“Hey Elmer, did I tell you about the thirty pound fish I caught in Alaska?”

“Yes, Rufus you did, but this morning at 9:15 the fish was 40 pounds, so which is it?”

They are a cantankerous and exclusive group; several times I have tried to horn in on the conversation, to no avail. This club is obviously exclusive to men and dogs, and I’m seriously considering filing a discrimination lawsuit (although I’ve been called the word used to describe a female dog before, I still feel excluded).

The dogs are also male; there may be something to this.

Maybe if I bring my male dogs, “Mr. Big” and “Mr. Small” to The Bean, the men will let me join in the fish tales.

I am sure they could use a fresh voice in their crowd.

Or not.

Yap.

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

Hey, all filmmakers have to start somewhere, right?

We remember our first movie, made with Dad’s Super-8 camera in the basement, using only the heads of our sister’s Barbie Dolls.

With that disclaimer in mind, here’s a new (and apparently a first-attempt), stop-motion locally-produced “film” made using only “Mom & Dad’s camera,” Lego Star Wars toys and imagination (and patience – these things take a long time!) of Burien resident Ethan Busse, called “A Small and Deadly War”:

by Shawn Underwood

Each summer, I endure parental purgatory and attend my children’s Swim Meets at the Gregory Seahurst Swimming Pool right here in Burien.

Swim Meets tend to be long (3-4 hours) and SLOW.

Let me just say they are on par with another sport everyone loves to watch, called “Watching Paint Dry” (which is far superior to that other huge summer shit “Watching Grass Grow“).

This is Joseph’s final year of swimming, and I am a Timer at his Swim Meets – a proud part of the “old guard,” or parents with older children who usually end up with this envious task. The younger set of parents are willing to Time but cannot Time, as they have no Time to spare ‘cuz their small children are too busy sucking Time up by running from tent to tent, squealing and stealing candy and falling into the pool. Time and Time again (ba-dum-bum).

I know this as fact, as I used to find my youngest hiding out in someone else’s tent with wet diapers and a sticky face, surrounded by candy wrappers.

During the most recent Swim Meet, as I chatted with my fellow Slaves of the Stopwatch, the “Heli-Parents” were hard to miss. You know who I’m talking about – the Dad who runs along the soccer line, shouting instructions at his kid, or the Little League baseball parent who argues with the referee about a “bad” call.

Naturally, these competitive parents have all been put on restriction in their cars during upcoming games. With windows up.

At the Swim Meet tonight, several parents are unbelievably ill-behaved, worse in fact than their Time-sucking chitlins hiding in other people’s tents with wet diapers and sticky faces. One parent in particular comes to mind – she looks like your average Mom, and is sporting the uniform that all swim team Moms wear: baggy, wrinkled shorts, pizza-stained top, and sandals or thongs (these thongs are for her feet; perhaps the younger set wear the other type of thong – I don’t know). A swim team Mom or Dad is almost-always armed with a towel and camera around her/his neck.

I noticed this particular Mom because she has an unusually furrowed brow. I observe her just as her child’s race starts.  I nearly miss setting my own Stopwatch for our lane, but luckily my ever-watchful husband shouted at me “to get in the game.”  The Heli-Parent from Hell runs alongside the pool, knocking all in her path out of the way; thank God she didn’t knock anyone into the pool.  She has a very strident voice and hollers in a “Tarzan-like” call during her sprint along the length of the pool.  Just as quickly, as she runs back down to the other side of the pool where the race ends, she nearly knocks me down with her sweat-drenched body. I give her a very bad look, after all I am an official Timer, I’ve got a Stopwatch and I’m not afraid to use it, thus I am allowed to do such things. I secretly think about adding a few seconds to her kid’s freestyle Time but that would be unkind.

But at least now I know why her brow seems so dang furrowed.

Mrs. Heli from Hell anxiously waits at the finish line for her child to touch the wall, and  erupts with screams of anguish when her child comes in second. Apparently, second place is not acceptable. My ears hurt and her camera is slapping me on the back. Her nostrils flair and she unconsciously jogs in place while flailing her arms about her head. At some point during her hectic display, she throws her little boy his towel. It is a very disturbing sight to say the least.

The next event begins but old flared-nostrils furrowed-brow Heli Mom from Hell is still lamenting about her son’s second place finish from the last event. Fortunately, the little fellow is happily standing in line at the candy shack. Nostril Heli Mom from Hell makes exaggerated swimming motions with her arms as if to say “This is the correct method for the freestyle you sugar addict!”

It is not a good look for her.

Her audience starts to discreetly back away, and of course she doesn’t notice, ‘cuz she’s now too busy demonstrating the breaststroke. During this exhibition, she nearly knocks her own teeth out with her camera, which is still around her neck. Her nostrils flare even more (if that is possible) and spittle is spewing from her mouth. It’s now hard to discern whether the moisture on the floor is from the swimming pool or from her frothing mouth. She now has no adult audience, but small children find her a fascinating sideshow, which should give the unfortunate woman some sort of clue.

Meanwhile back at the blocks, Mr. Hubby and I still Time, although I am still very distracted by Flared Nostril Heli Mom from Hell. A rather dorky child, who insists on standing directly in front of Mr. Hubby, is pestering us. We cannot see the current swimmer and communicate this to the boy dork. The Dork Boy responds; “do you know that I can fix anything?” He remains blocking our view. Mr. Hubby replies that he will “fix” Dork Boys race time if he will just move away from the blocks so that we can see. Fortunately, for Mr. Hubby, he has one deaf ear, so he cannot quite hear all of Dork Boy’s inane comments.

In addition to Dork Boy, there is a cluster of small swimmers (speedy sixers) who jump in circles and hold themselves; we expect an “accident” at any moment.

Then there is the “stroke and turn” official.

He/she is in charge of watching for mistakes in a child’s swim stroke, generally, the official swoops down like a vulture on some poor unwary child. The small swimmer sports a big grin after finishing second to last. The vulture kindly grips the unsuspecting kid and demonstrates the correct stroke for the child’s benefit. The judge does not disqualify the swimmer, but the little swimmer is definitely terrified – you see, this is just a friendly reminder.

I really do not think it is necessary to speak to the sixers about their strokes, as they simply want to get out the pool and pee.

Perhaps just a small trickle on the shoe of the swim meet official, who might think:

“Hey, is that water from the pool, sweat from the Heli Mom from Hell, or…???”

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

The City of Burien’s Community Development Director Scott Greenberg sent us this photo taken whilst on a trip to Walla Walla recently, with the comment:

“My wife and I were visiting Walla Walla and were shocked at the high price of gas there…”

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > south king > pets:

This sounds like the perfect pet for the kids:

I was given a male bearded dragon a year ago but i am moving now and cannot take him with me.

He is healthy, but very grumpy, and IS NOT A PET FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EXPERIENCED.

He is about 3-4 years old, and small compared to many other beardies.

He needs a loving, patient, and knowledgeable home that can give him care and are not afraid of being nipped in the process.

I am asking $50 for the beardie or $125 for both the beardie and the 25 gal tank with accessories that he calls home now, OBO.

Thanks so much.

Email comm-720099128@craigslist.org

by Shawn Underwood

The month of May is over and as usual, we remain sunless in Seattle. We had one sunny day on the third Saturday in May but I was out of town. Of course, no place on earth equals a sunny warm day in Seattle…well, at least not a location that I have been to.

And last weekend – it snowed.  Yes – SNOWED!

On Sunday, my husband and I awoke just in time to attend our church of choice – Saint Starbucks Of Normandy Park.

A long time ago my daughter tried to convert us to her church, one of those strange ones with one of those weird pointy thingys on top (she once told me that it’s called a “steeple” but that word just doesn’t sound right), but the coffee at the church with the “steeple” (what a weird word…try saying it over and over and over again and you’ll get it) was…well frankly, it was bad.

So we continued to pray over the New York Times Sunday edition at St. Starbucks while she prayed at the church with the “steeple” (see what I mean?!) concurrently.

After we entered the St. Starbuck’s parking lot, a sinking feeling permeated my gut like a cup of stale Folger’s from 1964. Cars were parked on the sidewalk; there were lines out the door, and our favorite chairs were occupied. I realized that even the tried-and-true technique of the “hover and look pathetic” (which I had long-since perfected) was not going to work.

Disappointed but resilient, we drove to the second St. Starbucks; this was better anyway, as there was a fireplace and it was freakin’ snowing outside. After parking the car far away and running through the blizzard, frustration reigned supreme – this place of caffeine worship was bursting at the seams, there was “no room at the inn” or something like that that they sometimes say in those places with the “steeples” (now it’s starting to look weird as well as sound weird!).  I saw that my husband was ready to give up the ghost. However, I was made of made of sterner stuff and of course it didn’t hurt that I also was beginning to acquire the dreaded caffeine headache.

Putting on our chains (not really, but it was freakin’ snowing in mid May for God’s sake!) we slid our way to the third and final St. Starbucks in the Burien area. You guessed it, all seats occupied – no coffee for you, go home and make your own coffee for cryin’ out loud and quit with the hovering technique.

The double tall foam with extra saliva slather dripping from my mouth was not helping either.

On the way home we came up with a novel idea: let’s go to the locally-owned coffee shop 909 Coffee and Wine. We should have gone there in the first place – the coffee was a thousand times better and the waiters actually “serve you.”

However, I was there for breakfast the day before and I didn’t want them to think that I had nothing to do but drink coffee. As if…

We sat by the window and enjoyed the bad weather from a view seat while being served our coffee and hot pastry.

So when you encounter a blizzard in May, or some other weather anomaly, make a beeline for Coffee and Wine at the 909.  Trish, Natalie or Corey await with smiles and steaming coffee, complete with lovely artistic foam designs, none of which resemble a “steeple.”

Save the “hover and look pathetic” technique for St. Starbucks.

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments.

Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

Sometimes it’s fun to read the Craigslist “Missed Connections” and follow the fascinating storylines of all our rascally neighboring humanoids, and this last week was no exception.

We first found this ad on May 28th on seattle-tacoma craigslist > south king > missed connections:

How was your trip to Maui??? – w4m – 25 (SeaTac)

We met at at an airport parking place in Seatac on May 19th.

I was going to Disneyland and you were going to Maui.

You helped my daughter and I out with our luggage.

If you remember me, please let me know! 

Then, a few days later, came this rather interesting rebuttal:

Hi,

You posted this for my husband.

His trip to Maui went fine, I was a day late due to a conference.

Why do you want to know how his trip went?

You must be the lady he mentioned when we were in Hilo.

He said you have a nice looking daughter and thought that you may have adopted her.

He said you stared at him plenty.

Mrs. Jake B.

Humorous found video of some dude’s Dad “doing karate moves” in B-Town in the 70s:

From the YouTube account:

This is 8mm footage of my dad decked out in his karate gear performing a kata. Circa 1973. The music was added when my grandparents had their 8mm movies transferred to VHS. The best parts are when he swings his head to get the hair out of his eyes. For those of you who don’t know my dad now, he doesn’t have hair anymore. 

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > activity partners:

ISO someone to yell and hit me while I lift wieghts (Seatac)

Yes, Im searching for an individual who is interested in yelling directly into my face and or hitting (slapping) me about the head and breasts while Im pumping iron.

I need some extra motivation in the coming weeks to get ready for the 4th annual Super Lift in Vegas where I will be competing.

If intested let me know.

Thanks

by Shawn Underwood

While conducting “research” in B-Town, I discovered a brand new boutique: “Howard and Marge,” owned by Robin Dunkle and named after her much-loved grandparents.

Conveniently located next door to the Seahurst Post Office, “Howard and Marge” offers contemporary clothing for women, men, children and the occasional local humorist.

Robin owned and operated various clothing lines in her pre-40 days (her words not mine…I swear). Having an itch to start something new, Robin made offers on various retail properties in B-Town in the hopes of opening a store. She located a property for rent immediately next to the ONLY post office that I frequent in Seahurst.

Coincidence? I think not.

Robin completely transformed the annex to the post office; bright, cheery interiors belie the small square footage. If your preference runs along the line of elastic waist pants…shop somewhere else, but let me tell you about what struck my fancy: after perusing the Republic denim, I came upon a suspicious-slim appearing tank top. The weave was tight ‘and yet,’ the fabric was supple. Hmm, perhaps this was just the thing for my ever-growing muffin-tops. This would defiantly refresh my girlish figure.

Robin described her best selling top, which was called (brace yourself) “The Yummie Tummie.”

Never one to bother with trying things on, I asked her to ring up my “yummie” new tank top.

Robin: “Excuse me, Underwood-Undercover, don’t you want to try your Yummie Tummie tank top on?”

U.U.: “No, thank you, it will be fine.”

Robin: “Well, with your coat and sweater on, it is hard for me to tell if it will fit you, maybe you should to try it on.”

Her comments rained on deaf ears; I quickly paid for my new top and raced home. I could not wait to see if my purchase would actually ’secretly slim my mid section,’ as the advert read.

A lot of grunting and groaning was heard from the recesses of my boudoir. Insane thoughts raced through my head:

• Why the heck didn’t I try this on earlier, and what size was this anyway?
• Perhaps the size was mismarked!
• Now that I had it on, how was I going to get it off?!
• Was I permanently entombed in my Yummie Tummie?
• And why did I look like the Michelin Man???

Drastic measures had to be taken.

I sheepishly exchanged my Yummie for the next size up and encouraged Robin to force everyone, no matter how defiant they were, to try on their Yummies too, just to make sure they worked on their Tummies (I know, I’m getting sick of these words too…but hang on to your Tummie, as this column’s almost over…).

She kindly refrained from answering me, only giving me a slight nod.

So, do you need a Yummie Tummie? Yeah, who doesn’t need to camouflage lumps, bumps and hangage. Now that I have the correct size, I look forward to Yummie Tummie expanding their line to include; Lithesome Legs or something equally as fetching, like Fit Butt.

See Robin for your very own Yummie Tummie at:

Howard and Marge
2118 S.W. 152nd (next to the Seahurst Post Office)

Just be sure to try it on first!

Twenty-five years of living in Burien gives Humorist Shawn Underwood much fodder for her writings.

All of her stories are true, or at least have a grain of truth with no added embellishments. Or something like that.

Read more of her humor at her website here.

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > computers & tech:

You may be familiar with the cult-like, time-and-life-sucking online video game called “World of Warcraft.”

Or not (in which case we congratulate you for staying sane).

Regardless, apparently in this totally virtual game you can create your own totally virtual (as in non-existent) characters.

Some people do this, then sell their totally virtual (non-existent) characters for cold hard ca$h dolla.

That’s what this guy is trying to do, and we thought it was an unusual ad worth a look.

Bonus points if you can understand any of the language used in this classified:

UD 70 Priest on US server Chogall.

has 2/5 S2 barely ever play him he has A Violet Netherdrake.

If interested selling the account will include box all the original goodies (Keycode for wow instruction book) His server transfer is up and he is on PVP server so he can go anywhere u want him to go.

If interested call me @ 206-290-6284 my name is brighton.

oh and im only willing to do this transaction face to face as to ensure security no paypal money wires. no sneaky sh*t this is all legit.

Yikes…found this today on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > missed connections:

***MissKelly1977 on Match.com – HELP ME FIND HER!!! – m4w – 30 (Seattle / Normandy Park)

Dear Miss Kelly,

I thought I was drowning when I first seen your face. I think realized cause I had a mouth full of water and forgot how to breath.

I can’t explain it especially since like you, I’ve had my heart dented and was NOT looking in all honesty…but I’ve thought about you for the last two days ever since I’ve seen your picture and read your profile.

We have SO very much in common it’s crazy (likes, fav color, outlook on things)and I would like to get to know everything about you!

Nothing crazy…I just want to feed you.

Please get a hold of me!!!!! Anyone who knows her, please forward this message!

Email: pers-661276058@craigslist.org

Red flag keywords/phrases that stand out here:

• “thought I was drowning…”
• “first seen your face”
• “mouth full of water and forgot how to breath”
• “heart dented”
• “thought about you for the last two days”
• “Nothing crazy…I just want to feed you”???

Hmmm…post your thoughts in Comments below…

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > cars & trucks:

UPDATE: Jim Bibby, Burien’s City Code Compliance Officer, emailed the following:

I also wanted your readers to know that the junk vehicles shown to me today for sale/pick up are actually in Unincorporated King County NOT Burien.  Thank you.

What’s with all the stripped cars for sale in Burien the unincorporated King County area around Burien?

And is anyone really going to pay $200 dolla holla to take this piece of crap away?

Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

HAUL IT AWAY FOR $200 – $200 (BURIEN)

COME AND GET IT, CALL ME OR EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO HAUL THIS AWAY.

CAR IS AS IT..

CAR HAS BEEN SITTING FOR OVER A YEAR..

IF CELL IS OFF THEN EMAIL ME:  sale-647862539@craigslist.org

DAWN
206 683 1501 

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > cars & trucks:

stripped car / make and offer / come and get it – $1 (burien / seattle)

Make and offer and come and get this car!!!!

needs to be towed

can be towed to you ( for extra) 

Email: sale-647647526@craigslist.org

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > missed connections:

Someone driving near SeaTac lately is P.O.’d and isn’t gonna take it anymore:

“little prick in black acura – m4m (seatac)

Next time I SEE you your going to get your ass kicked for almost running me off the road.

This is your only warning.

Email: pers-638593297@craigslist.org“

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > items wanted:

female midget stripper need ed for b-day party

please call 206-851-0033

leave message if you can help

or e-mail pjohnson1880@comcast.net

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > missed connections:

You can tell Spring is in the air now, as more “Missed Connections” are being posted everyday.

Here’s a local B-Town one we found (cue soap opera music):

Will they ever meet again?

And more importantly, will the M meet a Dictionary soon?  (“waived”? “convertable”?? “isles”???)

I waived at you from my little convertable roadster as we left QFC – m4w (Normandy Park / Burien)

I was in for some late night shopping at QFC in Normandy Park, and we both ended up at the register together. I saw you had a sizeable load in your basket, so I moved mine forward so you could set yours down. I had seen you down a few other isles in the store and had been enjoying your white hair with the black accents. I was going to strike up a conversation now that we were standing together, but you were suddenly wisked away to another register.

I thought I would have another chance as our transactions were being wrapped at about the same time, but you had forgotten something and went back into the store. As I got into my little roadster, I saw you drive off in your little yellow beetle with the dog in the back. I exited the parking lot and as I turned off 1st ave south, there you were, truning left coming the other way onto 1st. What a beautiful smile you shared with me. I’d love the chance to see it again.

Email: pers-633098307@craigslist.org

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > south king > pets:

We found this ad on Craigslist today.

We’ve never heard of a “Sugar Glider” before, so we looked them up.

Allegedly they’re “small arboreal marsupial that is found in the forests of Australia, as well as in Tasmania, New Guinea, and the neighboring islands of Indonesia.”

Yeah, right. We know better – they’re ALIENS! Just look at it – these things are prolly crawling all over Area 51 as you read this!

And somebody in SeaTac is trying to sell one (photo is not of the alien being sold but one we found online):

I have an 11 month old female Sugar Glider, I love her, but I am about to have surgery and I want to make sure she gets the care she needs.

I cant get her to sit still long enough for a picture, but she is very tame and sweet.

She is on the BML diet, with veggies and fruits, along with mealworms. I got her for 200, but I am only asking a 175 rehoming fee.

She will come with a big bag of veggies, mealworms, what is left of the bml already mixed, and some ingredients that are ready to be mixed, and glider pellets, the cage, pouches for the cage and that go around your neck.

It doesnt take her long to get used to you, and she has a lot of personality. She even seems to play peek-a-boo.

Let me know if you are interested, I know Glider’s are hard to find out here!

Email: comm-625700691@craigslist.org

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > free stuff:

Hello…I am 31 years old and moving back in with my parents.

I am a short angry man and I need to get rid of my couch because I can’t take it with me.

The couch is in usable condition. I need to have it out by 1:30 today. You haul.

Please contact me if you are interested: sale-620627735@craigslist.org

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > clothing:

Purple leather black fur lined blindfold handmade, and handmade purple suede whip flage, both in very good condition, sorry no pics $40.00.

Cash only please. 

Email: sale-618694315@craigslist.org

No word on whether said handmade items have been used…or, like their victims, possibly abused…

Isn’t it a sign of the apocalypse when a sign contradicts itself like this?

How can a “Rent To Own” store be “For Lease“? 

We found this sign on 16th SW near SW 104th Street in White Center:

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > collectibles:

What we love about this Craigslist ad:

• Photo is sideways (perfect for stoners)
• Repeated use of “tha” instead of “the” (someone called tha cops dude!)
• The claim that “stoner’s prayen over them” (funny visual, doncha think?)
• Open publication of his name and Idaho-based phone # (think cops will call “Benson”?)

TWO Bong’s for sale the blue one is $30 tha larger one is $40 out tha door!

Come and get em I have stoner’s prayen over them.

First come first serve!

Call Benson 208-337-2290

am right up by tha Airport*

Last week we posted a comedy bit about the new development at the top of Maplewild, called Where the Streets Have No Name. Yet. (our personal fave was SW Deforestation Drive).

Coincidentally (or not?), shortly after that post appeared, so did the following signs.

WARNING: Whatever you do when checking this development out, do not, we repeat DO NOT FISH OR HUNT! Violators will be prosecuted under penalty of law.

Consider yourself warned:

Found in the middle of SW 172nd Street, just below the hairpin turn from Sylvester, near the Soundview B & B.

Poor thing looks like a terrier of some sort, with a ring around its eye.

It appeared to be a bit worn out, and was actually on its side in the middle of the street!

Is this your lost dog?

Found on seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > barter:

Reply to: sale-596734689@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-05, 2:36PM PST

i have two mint condition jack-in-the box bbq sauces, it is a white container with a brown peel off lid…never been used and have been in the refridgerator since they were aquired….will trade for anything that might interest me

Location: TACOMA

=============

Hot Damn!!! Ok, I’ll trade you the following items for your two mint bbq’s…

one Fresh Organic Ranch Dressing (unopened of course!) It’s a fancy navy blue label with a pearl white background. Please notice the two baby mushrooms, red plump tomato with what appears to be a head of loose leaf lettuce and one 1/2 sliced avacado! Yum, yum, yum.

also in my possession I have a Caramel DIP from the ‘Golden Arches’ baby!

Last but not least a FRANK’S RedHot Buffalo dipping Sauce (plain white and red labeling but will make your mouth burn!

If none of these sound too tempting….I do have one single serving DARIGOLD TRIM LOWFAT Cottage cheese (since 1918, so they say) um, the company not how long it’s been in my fridge, although, I do need to go grocery shopping!

Contact me if interested!

Location: BURIEN

From seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > sporting goods:

Does anyone has an elliptical in really good condition so my fat wife can put a lot of use on it?

she is not looking so hot naked anymore so i need to put her on a workout program.

Send me your offers. a toned and healthy wife is priceless to me.

Email: sale-582279965@craigslist.org

Found at seattle-tacoma craigslist > seattle > general:

Dessert by Jessica Simpson

Are you Whipped?

a sweet trio of seductive treats

Do me a flavor…

A seductive sampler of super whipped body delights in our most decadent flavors. Full of the things your skin loves, these sensual body smoothers taste as good as they smell – sweet, yummy and kissably delicious. Pick a flavor, shake it up and slather on a generous helping. Put a cherry on top. You’ll be impossible to resist.

4 oz. Deliciously Kissable Whipped Body Cream in 3 delectable flavors:

* Juicy ~ fresh and luscious ripe-berry sweetness * Creamy ~ a fresh baked vanilla and caramel indulgence * Dreamy ~ a decadent chocolate-coconut treat

To enjoy: Just smooth it on and if you’re in the mood, lick it off

Are you a Dessert girl? Dessert girls aren’t afraid to heat it up, shake it up, be a flirt, put it our there and flaunt it. They’re full of sweetness and desire and they don’t mind getting their hair a little messed up in the name of seduction. Dessert girls are warm and golden, luscious and radiant, tempting, and decadent. They like to look good, feel good and smell good too. Dessert girls are just plain yummy. Be a hottie. Have Dessert.

Wear it, then share it

Each body cream is 4 oz. – 12 oz total.

NEW in Sealed package.

$45 Retail

Asking $10 each or discount for multiples!

Several available

Email: sale-559771015@craigslist.org

From seattle-tacoma craigslist > south king > rants & raves:

[EDITOR'S NOTE: If anyone has any idea who this mysterious "HOT" Burien dentist, is, please email us]

Like the person before me said, WHY is it wrong to have a crush, or a fantasy about someone? Hell, he’s touching your body isn’t he?

It’s a normal reaction to someone you find attractive. As long as you can keep it “under wraps” so to speak enjoy! Go home afterward and delve into the fantasy, and release. Hell I would…and I HAVE!

My dentist, here in Burien, is f*ing HOT!! He’s really funny, and very attractive. Fuller moderate build, GQ but natural, down to earth. Dark blonde hair….Purrrrrrrrr!!!! And his A*S!!?? I got to see him once at the end of the day, when he took his lab coat off. YUMMMMM!!

His co workers (females) laugh because he’s so niave to his attraction to his paitents. Women come in dressed to the 9’s!

Now, I’m just me….not a ‘glamour gal’, but I’m telling you I have never come home from a freaking root canal so horny!! He has this scope that helped him see the small details, and as he worked, his arms would brush aganst my chest!! Good lord!!! ]

Hmm, suddenly my tooth aches….or is it my tooth!??

>Wicked Grin