by Philip Benais

Bloodz vs. Wolvez: Directed by Z. Winston Brown; Malik Burke, Richard Carroll Jr. and Kandiss Marie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t quite know how to convey what I feel about Bloodz Vs. Wolvez. I could easily discuss the provocative symbolism that puts Tarkovsky to shame. I could discuss how a film greater than even Citizen Kane or Casablanca managed to elude the presence of the so called ‘Academy’. I could discuss how no other auteur has illuminated the human condition better than Z. Winston Brown in the history of film…but that is not what I’ll talk about. Instead, I will demonstrate the preposterous assault on this perfect film by underprivileged rubes, who dare not be mentioned in the same sentence as a line of dialogue from this masterpiece. The filthy charlatans that snicker and sneer at what they could never comprehend or hope to accomplish. The blasphemous thieves that have pilfered sacred, nay, ANGELIC elements of this gift from a gracious God.

As many of these heathens will say, the film is poorly structured, laughably acted and plotted worse than an episode of Jersey Shore. LIES; monstrous concoctions of feeble intellects grasping for relevance in a world that has passed them by. The opening narration itself is a testament to the act of creation. No doubt while working on ‘Kinky Kong’ Brown was struck with the revelation of every great artist, promptly authoring narration that any mongoloid could give to Morgan Freeman. No, this brave, gentle soul chose instead to have the narration very difficult to hear and the actor unlisted. Think of the parallels in history, the greatest minds of the world snuffed into insignificance by tyrants. Hence, Brown has already given us a work filled with the passionate heartbeat of every oppressed soul throughout history. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. The scene which follows gives us the character of Unnamed Real Estate Agent #1. The lack of any defining characteristics allows this actor (who must have been classically trained) to morph within the scenery and as such become the film. In a sense, the seemingly insignificant Mike Tyson sound alike has personified an audience disillusioned with 3-D and Michael Bay, the parlor tricks of soulless elite to inflict on its serfs.

The rest of the film presents moral dilemmas and dramatic tension the world itself is not ready for. On the surface, you could say the plot is nothing more than poor vs. rich, Palestinian vs. Israeli etc. but as we all know from cooking soup, scum sits on the surface. The true breadth and width of this wonder is realizing the culmination of every possible majesty this space rock has to offer us. That culmination is what some have dubbed the ‘Imma shit on yo newspaper’ scene, which so described is almost as if you were offered the chance to gaze into the wonders of the infinite and instead chose to do Mad Libs. What these loathsome creatures fail to realize is that the newspaper scene, however brief you may want to chastise it for being, emanates with the vitality of pure, unbridled love. The newspaper represents the faceless, heartless terror that every human being must conquer to realize their potential in a depraved world. The feces represents the rejection of oppression and thus the dawn of revolution, ushering in an age of enlightenment and utopia. Cujo’s facial expressions recognize the soul deadening monotony of everyday life as a figment of the giant tortoise’s imagination that we are all just dreams experiencing each other over and over and over, until eventually we must awaken to our death.

I cannot recommend the life changing experience of Bloodz. Vs. Wolvez anymore than I could recommend being alive. While it ended I was sucked into the vortex of holiness, and I knew then and there that I must devote myself to spreading the gospel of its nirvana. In the name of the cat noises, the sausage links and the holy newspaper, amen.

RATING: ****** / *****

[Armond White, eat your heart out. I’d like to thank all of my haters, without which none of this would have been possible. Keep up the great work letting ruffians like myself know how the cow ate the cabbage while your miserable lives crawl on without me.]

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is was one of our Interns, a 17-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

The City of Burien announced Friday (May 20th) their schedule for the 2011 ‘Music & Movies In The Park,’ to be held on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights beginning July 7th, and we’re first with the lineup.

New this year will be three Wednesday night concerts at Hilltop Elementary School, located at 12250 24th Ave South:

• July 13: Banda Vagos–Traditional Mexican Music!
• July 20: Global Heat–World Hip Hop with a Twist of R&B!
• July 27: The Camano Cadillac Band–Keepin’ it Country!

MUSIC: (6:30pm – 8pm at Lake Burien School Park, located at SW 148th & 16th Ave SW, unless otherwise noted)

• JULY 7: LULU LAFEVER
  Sizzlin’ Jazz, Hot Swing, and Sultry Blues!
• JULY 21: 85TH STREET BIG BAND
  Bring those dance shoes again! Swing and dance away! Free swing lessons from 6-6:30pm.
• JULY 14: A LATIN FIESTA WITH SAMBATUQUE!
  Vibrant and eclectic blend of music from Brazil and the Caribbean. Free Samba lessons from 6:00-6:30, kids activities, Latin food and more! Put on your dancing
• JULY 28: THE SEATLES
  A Beatles Sing-a-Long!
• AUGUST 4: THE DIAMOND EXPERIENCE
  The look, the sound, is it Neil Diamond? Come and sing along!
• AUGUST 11: BOOMERANG SUMMER
  A revival of rock and soul!

MOVIES: (start at Dusk – around 8:30pm)

• AUGUST 19: TOY STORY 3
• AUGUST 26: DESPICABLE ME

On rainy evenings, please call (206) 988-3700 after 5pm to learn if concert/movie has been relocated.

As many of our Readers may recall, we also lent a hand to our friends at Burien Parks back in February, when we ran a survey asking which movies people would like to see, and we’re happy to say that the good folks there mostly followed our results, except for excluding “Princess Bride”:

I would go to ‘Movies in the Park’ if you showed (pick 2):

• Toy Story 3 (46%, 90 Votes)
• Princess Bride (38%, 75 Votes)
• Despicable Me (33%, 65 Votes)
• Sound of Music (28%, 55 Votes)
• Wall-e (17%, 33 Votes)
• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (16%, 31 Votes)

To download your own poster, click here.

For more information call 206-988-3700 or www.BurienParks.net.

by Philip Benais

Thor: Directed by Kenneth Branagh; Starring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins and Stellan Skarsgard.

The recent influx of Marvel comics films has been extremely beneficial to the comic book movie as a genre, which along with dramatic opuses like The Dark Knight and Watchmen have rescued the genre from the depths of Batman And Robin and Steel. While Thor certainly isn’t the best comic book film this year (I have a feeling that distinction will go to Captain America or Green Lantern) it’s a perfect example of a Saturday night popcorn film diversion. The effects are great, the acting is fairly decent and while it may not be as entertaining as the two Iron Man films, it all brings us one step closer to The Avengers movie by Joss Whedon, which no nerd can resist.

The story follows the adventures of The God Of Thunder himself (Chris Hemsworth) who is brash, arrogant and thinks he knows everything. On the day he is to be made king of Asgard by Odin All Father (Anthony Hopkins) The Frost Giants launch an attack to steal their precious relic of power. Thor brazenly decides to march into their territory and pick a fight. For his insolence, he is cast out of Asgard and banished to Earth. In Thor’s absence, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) begins to move against the crown and soon Thor learns the value of humility thanks to a woman named Jane (Natalie Portman) and must soon save Asgard.

Right off the bat, the best part of Thor is the special effects. During the scenes in Asgard, it truly felt that I was transported to another world and the suspension of disbelief was further aided by the appropriate balance of Olde English and Every Day English in the dialogue. Although I’ve never read the comics, Chris Hemsworth was appropriately imposing and surprisingly funny as Thor. Anthony Hopkins was also great as Odin, but personally I always envisioned Liam Neeson as Odin. Natalie Portman was satisfactory, even though her role felt somewhat bland. Surprisingly, there was less action in Thor than in Iron Man, which along with Robert Downey Jr. is why I can watch those films over and over. Thor on the other hand is reminiscent of The Incredible Hulk film with Edward Norton; it’s by all means worth the money and quite enjoyable, but ultimately more of a diversion than anything memorable. It’s fun, fast and you’ll love it. Higher praise for a popcorn film I could not give.

Rating: *** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is one of our Interns, a 17-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Sucker Punch; Directed By Zack Synder: Starring Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Oscar Isaac, Carla Gugino, Jon Hamm and Scott Glenn.

Critical consensus is a concept that should be disregarded in terms of enjoying a film. I know this sounds strange coming from a critic, but speaking as a film lover first and foremost, when you hear the term ‘critical consensus’, that should not sway your opinion on whether or not you want to see a film. According to Metacritic, one of the largest compilations of critical views on the Internet, Superman II is a better film than Metropolis. It sounds absurd I know, but if you just go by the average that’s what you’ll find. Furthermore, sometimes having a different opinion than the majority can be dangerous. I for one, loved the Green Hornet film and even got kudos from the film’s director for the nice things I said. Just going by what everyone else said however, that film was in the same league as one of the Saw sequels or The Flintstones movie, even though we all know that’s nonsense.

Speaking personally, I have a whole laundry list of films I love that have been tossed aside by just about everyone else; I think Equilibrium is a woefully underrated masterpiece. I really enjoyed Cool World. I also don’t care what anyone else says, Hudson Hawk is priceless.

Where am I going with this you may ask? Although I hate to admit it, sometimes the majority of critics are right. Sucker Punch is one of those times. Just judging from the previews, I assumed I’d have another film to add to that laundry list, but instead what I saw was juvenile, exploitative and not fit for anyone. Whoever described this film as ‘Alice In Wonderland with machine guns’ has either been huffing too much gas or is on Zack Snyder’s payroll, if not the mouth breather himself.

It pains me to say it, but now I can’t look at the Watchmen film the same way ever again. If this is what Zack Snyder brings us when he’s in full creative control, I’m frightened by what his Superman project will bring. Maybe that one will be described as ‘The Brothers Karamazov with General Zod” It would be just as ridiculous as this ‘film.’

About here is usually the part of the review that I recap the plot for those interested but unfortunately dear readers I’m not sure what, if anything happened in Sucker Punch besides a metaphorical shot to the nether regions. What I can be sure of is there is a girl named Baby Doll (Really? Really Zack Snyder?) whose mother dies and whose stepfather kills her sister. (All in Slow Motion too) Doll is then locked up in a mental hospital and awaits lobotomizing. Somewhere in that skeletal outline, Snyder managed to fit in seventy-foot samurai, glass robots and steampunk nazis. Congratulations Zack, you managed to combine the degradation of women in sick rape scenarios with a horrible numetal/00’s MTV soundtrack and so much slo-mo that I nearly threw up.

Truly a visionary. Much in the same sense as M. Night Shyamalan or Catherine Hardwicke, except I think I enjoyed The Last Airbender more than Sucker Punch, and more condemnation I could not possibly give to any modern film.

Let’s start with the most immediateproblem; the story. (Or rather, the lack thereof) We know Baby Doll has lost her mother and sister, but is there any reason to care? Of course not. They were merely machinations to advance the CGI effects driven ‘plot’. The stepfather then calls for her to be put in a mental institution and lobotomized…but what a minute, where in the hell are we? Is this a city, a town, a hillbilly hoedown? What time period is this taking place in? The past? The present? The future? (Godforbid) Can we know anything else about Baby Doll than the excessive opening where she not only fails to save her sister, but also doesn’t kill the man responsible? Of course not, we’re too busy establishing a fantasy world that has NO impact on the real world whatsoever. I won’t spoil what happens out of the decency in my heart, but let’s just say that evil triumphs over good, and all of the fantasizing about Baby Doll and her fellow inmates as warrior chicks is useless. The point that the film was sold on actually doesn’t matter one bit. You know what does matter apparently? The actual reality of the film where women are raped, beaten and then lobotomized. By the end of the trite narration that permeates this festering corpse of a film you’ll feel as if you’ve been living in a dumpster for three weeks; sullied, disgusted and hollowed out.

It doesn’t help that the actresses they picked wouldn’t be able to convince you to fetch them a glass of water, let alone that they’re tormented women locked away in an evil place. It’s quite fitting that the lead actress from the High School Musical series has a role in this film, as that’s an accurate description of the amount of talent you’ll find here. Carla Gugino is by far the worst, making Ayn Rand sound like Audrey Hepburn with her tooth gratingly bad accent. It wasn’t enough for her to be one of the weak links in Watchmen I guess, because now she’s managed to beat women with lines like ‘If we get caught we’re dead.’ ‘We’re already dead.’ Which brings me to my second point. Don’t expect any of the quality writing you found in Watchmen, because all you’ll get is a sickening combination of every cliché that directors can scrape from the bottom of the barrel. Not only could I predict almost every line of dialogue once I figured out the formula, but every action scene as well. When you’re film has steampunk nazis, I expect originality to follow, but I suppose ripping off The Matrix for every fight scene is back in style. By the time the fiftieth dive in mid-air happened when Baby Doll was fighting the samurais, I thought I had reached a point where I would no longer enjoy any film with any trace of slo-mo. If you thought 300 was ridiculous, try a movie where a woman of 5’2 kills a dragon in the longest five second stab of your life. I guess that’s Snyder’s idea of ‘progress’.

Perhaps I could have forgiven a lot of this if the soundtrack was decent, or at least included one hard, grooving metal song. What was I treated to instead? A butchering of a Eurythmics classic and ‘rock’ that was popular when Limp Bizkit were the hottest item around. Thanks Zack, for bringing me back to a time where people actually listened to Evanescence and called it dignified. It wasn’t enough to set the women’s rights movement back more than Bella Swan, it wasn’t enough to betray the remaining trust anyone had in you, but now you have to remind me of girls who smell like old meat and write Naruto fan fiction. You had better count your lucky stars that I don’t know where you work, because I’d sure as hell stop you from destroying Superman the way you took my expectations and crushed them under-heel like a cockroach.

In short, I hated this film. I hated every moment of it. I expected a fun two hours where I could turn my brain off and enjoy warrior women beating up awesome bad guys, but what I got was one of the worst films in recent memory. This film was so bad that it has forever colored my perception of other films Zack Snyder has directed, films that I actually enjoyed on some level. I wanted to call the rabid anti-Snyder people fanboys, but now I feel their pain. This film is the equivalent of a bizarro Inception, but whereas Christopher Nolan is a genius, Zack Snyder is in the same boat as people like Richard Kelly, the man responsible for Southland Tales. I fear The Man Of Steel’s future as much as I fear the movie going public’s future. If this or worse is what we can expect from Zack Snyder, then consider me infuriated. By the way, Snyder should also feel very lucky that Alice is not a real person, or she’d take a machine gun and make him her first target, along with everyone involved in this wretched visual torture.

Rating:   / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Red Riding Hood; Directed By Catherine Hardwicke: Starring Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Shiloh Fernandez, Virginia Madsen, Julie Christie and Max Irons.

Being a legitimate cinema lover is a tough act to follow sometimes; for every 2001: A Space Odyssey or Solyaris, a new kind of entertainment rears its head in the form of Pierre Kirby and Reb Brown style exploitation films. While technically some of the worst films ever made, these trashy gems provide hours upon hours of laughter and enjoyment. There is of course, another strain of terrible films. The kind of derivative hogwash that fancies itself as something more. Twilight has been the reigning champ of this sort of film ever since the atrocious ‘novels’ were adapted by a director known primarily for retelling the story of Jesus Christ’s birth. Indeed, many brain dead tweens have adopted The Twilight Saga as their gospel on romantic fiction. I am neither twelve years old nor mentally challenged so naturally I view Twilight as an embarrassment to vampires, werewolves and romance. When you’ve seen Casablanca (in my mind the greatest romance film of all time) mopey valley girls and vacuous pretty boys who sparkle just don’t have the same effect as on someone with no knowledge of culture or taste. Lo and behold in 2011 Catherine Hardwicke has chosen to revert back to the hellish formula that made her so successful, only this time also bastardizing a classic fable of everyone’s childhood. Of course, I’m sugarcoating it right now; Red Riding Hood is not only a prime example of everything wrong with films today, but also one of the worst adaptations and love stories of all time. If there is a film worse than Red Riding Hood this year, I will officially give up hope for the film industry. To reach this level of abject misery takes a certain anti-talent, the likes of which M. Night Shyamalan is ridiculed for these days. Move over M. Night, there’s a new queen of bad films in town.

The story (as plagiarized from Stephanie Meyer of all people) follows Valerie, the not quite Bella Swan who falls in love with Edward Cullen and Joaquin Phoenix’s love child. They live in a village terrorized by a dog (er, ‘werewolf’) whose villagers have grown accustomed to sacrificing livestock every full moon. Valerie’s sister is then killed after speaking no lines of dialogue and eventually an outsider is brought in to deal with the problem. Enter Gary Oldman, a tough as nails inquisition type with one of the most entertaining two dollar accents this side of Nicolas Cage in Con Air. As all of the ‘wolf’ hysteria continues Valerie has to choose between the man she loves and the man her family wants her to marry, even though they’re both doe-eyed simpletons without an ounce of humanity. Will the villagers fend off the beast? Will Valerie find true love? Will Gary Oldman finally tell us which accent he’s butchering? All of these questions and more are shoddily answered in a film that runs for an eternity.

Let’s dive right into the root of the problem with this ‘love story’; most importantly how it is NOT a love story. When the best Hollywood screenwriters can do is present sloppy, two dimensional and unforgivingly boring characters that presents a quandary. In a love story the idea is to present two characters drawn together or torn apart by an emotion they grow to understand through conflicts and joys alike. When the only set up you have is that some delirious bimbo has to choose between two hunks of interchangeable meat that spout cliched lines, all you hope for is that the boys get killed and the girl finds a nice companion of the same sex. THAT would make things slightly interesting, but instead we’re stuck with the shameless retreading of the Twilight nonsense, so much so that I was expecting Shiloh Fernandez to mess up a line and call Amanda Seyfried ‘Bella’. At least then the film would have been honest with itself as a cheap cash in, as opposed to a darker take on a classic story like what Alan Moore did with Lost Girls (which would make a great film by the way).

Furthermore, the beast in the film is not a werewolf. It’s a dog who was injected with one too many steroids. It would be better to combat it with a bone and repeating the words ‘Bad Fido’. When the romance and the monster both blow chunks in your tween mental masturbation, it’s time to consider some other genre of film. There is laughter to be had whenever Gary Oldman is chewing the scenery, but between the destruction of the source material and the horrendous reference to Three Little Pigs (spin off bait?) amongst all the other atrocities Red Riding Hood is not worth your time, money or thought. After you read this, forget everything you know about this trainwreck. Do yourself a favor; stay home, rent Casablanca and enjoy a true classic. Gary Oldman may have given this film a half star rating, but the real question is not about this ‘film’. It’s a question about Gary Oldman; from Bram Stoker’s Dracula to Red Riding Hood, who knows what the future holds for one of my favorite actors? Everyone else might as well quit now or forever be doomed to a purgatory of Twilight rip offs.

Rating: ½ / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

Burien Parks’ Gina Kallman has asked us to help find out what movies B-Towners would want to watch during this coming summer’s “Music and Movies In The Park,” and of course we obliged.

The ‘movies’ portion of this annual outdoor entertainment series will be Friday, Aug. 19th and 26th at Lake Burien School Park, and as a reminder, last summer the films shown included ‘Ratatouille‘ and ‘Tale of Despereaux.’

Here are appropriate trailers for the movies up for voting (be sure to vote below), to help you decide:

Princess Bride:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Toy Story 3:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Despicable Me:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sound of Music:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wall-E:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Please take a moment to complete the following survey, and be sure to choose your top TWO selections:

by Philip Benais

The Green Hornet; Directed by Michel Gondry; Starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Tom Wilkinson and Cameron Diaz.

Sometimes a superhero film doesn’t need to challenge our perceptions of right and wrong. Sometimes a superhero film doesn’t have to present a gritty crime caper with aspirations of Shakespeare. Sometimes, you just want to see something hilarious with lots of explosions. Green Hornet is that kind of film, a light and yet subtly made parody of the serious superhero film we’ve come to expect with the advent of the Nolanverse Batman and Zack Snyder’s Watchmen. If you’re expecting drama and nihilistic villains you need to look somewhere else. From the earliest previews I knew I would like Green Hornet, but I didn’t know that I would love it and that this dreadfully underrated gem would broach my favorite comic book films of all time. Simply put, Green Hornet is the perfect superhero comedy, a feat that has been attempted in the past but never managed to go beyond corny nostalgia. With this film, Michel Gondry has proven himself to be an auteur with a sense of humor, able to make compelling dramas but also step back and give us a fantastic action comedy, and more importantly a bang to start off the new year.

Green Hornet follows the story of Britt Reid (Seth Rogen), a reckless, fun loving playboy and son of the famous James Reid (Tom Wilkinson), newspaper mogul and publisher of The Daily Sentinel. Britt and his father have never seen eye to eye, but when James is found dead of an allergic reaction to a bee sting, Britt secludes himself. Eventually he meets Kato (Jay Chou) his father’s former mechanic and all-around human Swiss army knife. After some heavy drinking, Britt and Kato decide to head out on the town and commit a little vandalism. However, what starts as a childish prank quickly becomes a rescue and soon Britt has an idea; what if he and Kato became superheros? Disguised as villains, they could infiltrate the criminal underworld headed up by Chudnofsky (the brilliant Christoph Waltz) and rid the city of its’ scourge. Will Green Hornet succeed? How does lovely Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) fit into this? Of course, my favorite question, why did the critical consensus for this film reek of snobbery?

Right off the bat, I was dismayed by the polarizing response that Green Hornet received from other critics, but when I saw it I didn’t see the horrible film they claimed it was, I saw a film that people really just didn’t know what to do with. How many superhero comedies exist? Not very many. What’s been the usual critical consensus for them? Hatred. Sure, it’s fine if superheros deal with rape and torture but the minute Gangster’s Paradise starts playing with Seth Rogen and Jay Chou singing along it’s a terrible film. What struck me even more is that even if we accept that Green Hornet failed at what it attempts to do, it was made in such a way that it not only makes fun of itself at every turn, but pokes fun of every other superhero cliche throughout the years.

Let’s be honest, Seth Rogen is not a superhero…but that’s what makes it so grand! Never in a million years would I have imagined him as an action star and a worthwhile character but lo and behold, he pulls it off. How about Christoph Waltz as the villain whose only gimmick is that he’s in search of a gimmick? Or Cameron Diaz as the seemingly usual female character who doesn’t end up with either of the main characters and by the end is irritated beyond all belief? These are ideas that most superhero films look over but Green Hornet has the capacity to take these ideas and not only be funny at face value but also be funny as a deftly made, possibly unintentional satire.

Jay Chou steals the show as Kato though, providing us with great laughs and incredible action sequences thanks to his martial arts skills and ‘Kato Vision’. The writing for the film feels like every superhero film and no superhero film simultaneously, a feat that only dumb luck could have accomplished. All of these elements combined with Michel Gondry’s distinctive visual style provide a great time at the movies. Maybe the fact that that’s all I expected from this film helped me enjoy it a lot more. Maybe since professional critics need to seem like legitimate cinema lovers they shun films like this for credibility. In the end though, this film gets my highest recommendation. Not in a high art sense, but in the same way I would recommend the original Highlander or Boondock Saints. It might be corny at times but Green Hornet backs it up with laughs, action and genuine entertainment. See it, love it, talk about it.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

Season Of The Witch; Directed By Dominic Sena: Starring Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman and Claire Foy.

The story of Nicolas Cage’s career is certainly a tragic one; how he managed to go from Academy Award Winner to straight to DVD-quality schlock like this is a sob story for the ages. The turning point for me ultimately came in 2006, from Neil LaBute’s god awful Wicker Man remake. As atrocious as that film was, Nicolas Cage managed to cement himself in bad movie history. Along with John Travolta in Battlefield Earth and Eddie Murphy in Pluto Nash, Cage became one of the biggest laughing stocks in show business. To this day, the mere mention of ‘Not The Bees!’ has me keeling over in laughter. Naturally when Season Of The Witch came out, I was expecting another heavy hitting bad film. Since Cage has proven he’s diametrically opposed to acting in anything worthwhile these days, the least he could do is try and make the horrible films memorable.

Sadly, Season Of The Witch was no such film. Don’t get me wrong, it was still horrid but in the same fashion as the mind-boggling sequel Little Fockers. It’s made up of so much concentrated garbage that it collapses in on itself into a vast empty void of nothingness. Season Of The Witch isn’t a bad film you laugh at or even cringe at. When I sat in the theater I didn’t know how to express why the film was so bad. It has all the elements of a very bad film like third rate CGI, predictable plot twists, horrible quips etc. but none of the emotional resonance that other terrible films have. When you see a movie like Freddy Got Fingered for instance, the only sane response is to curse humanity for unleashing a foul plague like Tom Green, but in Season Of The Witch, you’re more likely to walk out saying ‘I don’t know what I just watched but somehow I feel very uneasy.’

Season Of The Witch follows two knights in The Crusades named Behmen and Felson (Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman respectively) who desert their ranks after the slaughter of innocents. Some time later, they hitch at a nearby town that’s been stricken with the plague. Ultimately, they are conscripted into bringing a witch suspected of bringing about the plague to a monastery for trial. However, they soon discover that all is not as it seems as malevolent forces beyond their comprehension begin to move against them.

As much as this film was a true representation of the January Dead Zone, I did enjoy two aspects of it. The first being Ron Perlman; no matter what terrible film he finds himself in, I can always enjoy his cromagnum charm. The second being the very beautiful woman they found to play the witch in Claire Foy. Seeing her somehow ratcheted this film up a notch than it wouldn’t have been without her. Everything else on the other hand? Miserable, and when you think about it later you realize that throwing twenty dollars down the toilet would have been both a more productive use of your time and a better way to spend the money. The special effects are like a time capsule from 1999 that the director had no other use for. Then again this is the brilliant auteur that brought us such ‘classics’ as Swordfish and Gone In Sixty Seconds, both films made slightly better by beautiful women. (I sense a pattern…)

The script is essentially scratch and sniff Medieval fare with a twist of the Schwarzenegger vehicle End Of Days. This is a cliche film and it doesn’t care who knows it. Sometimes I don’t mind that if they know how to play that angle to their advantage and make entertaining B-quality fare, but in the hands of Dominic Sena and Nicolas Cage, it just becomes this year’s equivalent to Jonah Hex; short, unpleasant, haphazard and horrible beyond any kind of connection. My advice if you’re in the mood for a B-Movie is to rent something with Bruce Campbell in it. It won’t be the best film you’ve ever seen, but by golly will it be fun. If you’re looking for Season Of The Witch, stick to the Donovan tune and let Nicolas Cage fizzle out. It’s sad, but then again if I sealed my fate as an actor with paganism and misogyny, I’d have no one but myself to blame.

Rating: * / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

True Grit; Directed by Joel & Ethan Coen: Starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, Hailee Steinfeld and Barry Pepper.

The Coen Brothers have directed some of the most influential films of modern cinema and regardless of what you may think of any individual film of theirs it quickly becomes apparent they are a force to be reckoned with. Naturally when I saw the previews for True Grit, I was very excited. After all, The Coen Brothers are responsible for one of my Top Ten Favorite Films Of All Time. (The Big Lebowski, which becomes even funnier when you know that I am an ordained Dudeist Priest) The question then becomes, how does True Grit hold up? I’m happy to report that even as their most streamlined picture, it maintains the quirky humor and razor sharp dialogue they became famous for as well as giving us wonderful acting all across the board.

The film centers around Mattie Ross, (Hailee Steinfeld) a 14-year old girl whose father was murdered by a drifter named Tom Cheney. In order to get the justice she seeks for her father, she employs Deputy U.S. Marshall Rooster Cogburn. (Jeff Bridges) Cogburn is described to Mattie as having ‘true grit’, but when she attempts to hire him, he refuses. After much deliberation however, he concedes and Mattie, Cogburn and a Texas Ranger named LaBoeuf (Matt Damon) set out to apprehend Cheney. (Josh Brolin)

The best part of True Grit by far is the emphasis on dialogue. In an age where character and story have become expendable, it’s so welcoming to see talented actors and actresses making the expertly crafted dialogue come to life. Jeff Bridges astounds as Cogburn, giving us a character that is both nuanced and yet accessible. (The true sign of both excellent acting and writing) Matt Damon also continues his recent trend of quality performances, but the real surprise is Hailee Steinfeld as Mattie Ross. It’s very rare that not only such a young actress can dazzle us but in her first performance no less. Steinfeld is an actress with a very bright future and I can only say that I want to see more from her in the years to come.

True Grit is a picture that could have had a lot of things wrong with it; for one, it’s an adaptation which always has the potential to go south very fast and it is a very linear picture which may or may not work. In the hands of the production crew however, it becomes one of the best Westerns in years and a film I would recommend to movie lovers everywhere. If you’re in the market for something wonderful and intelligent, you can do a whole lot worse than True Grit.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

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[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]

by Philip Benais

The King’s Speech; Directed By Tom Hooper: Starring Colin Firth, Geoffery Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Gambon and Guy Pearce.

It goes without saying that if you know me, I usually can’t stand period dramas. They all seem to follow a predictable path to a conclusion we all know is coming. Chances are also that they rack up more Academy Award/Golden Globe nominations than films that deserve them. (i.e. The Dark Knight and Watchmen). However, as I left the theater after watching The King’s Speech I was, if you’ll excuse the pun, speechless. Here is a film that came straight out of left field to deliver a powerful and emotional experience that stands toe to toe with the best 2010 had to offer, like True Grit, The Fighter, etc. I can say in all safety that The King’s Speech deserves every bit of praise it has garnered and is sure to garner. Colin Firth as King George VI delivers the best performance of any actor in 2010, bar none. I was, in all sincerity ready to give that to Leonardo DiCaprio for Shutter Island or Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network, but after watching the devotion and care that Colin Firth rewarded us with, it goes without saying.

The story follows Albert, The Duke Of York as he overcomes the stammer that has plagued him his entire life. We see several failed attempts before we’re introduced to Lionel Logue, (Geoffery Rush) an unconventional Australian speech therapist who helps Albert and becomes the closest thing to a friend he has. As George V becomes increasingly weaker, political machinations work in favor of Albert’s brother David, who shirks the responsibilities of the crown in order to pursue an American divorcee. Albert, with the help of Logue and his wife (Helena Bonham Carter) must show that he can step in as king, and overcome any problems he may have for his people and his country at the start of World War II.

Right off the bat, what works extremely well is the dialogue, written with an edge of sardonic wit that boosts the entire film to a level it may not have been without it. Geoffery Rush is astounding as Lionel Logue and a perfect compliment to Colin Firth’s George VI. In fact, everyone is on their A Game here, personifying exactly who they need to be when they need to be them. This is a film that knows what it wants to get from us but takes it’s time and in doing so made a risky decision. So many period dramas have floundered because of  skewed timing, but King’s Speech is the rare film that doesn’t. Not only does time fly when you watch these brilliant actors recite this brilliant dialogue, but chances are you won’t even want it to end. I know I didn’t, and without saying too much the ending, synchronized perfectly with Beethoven’s 7th Symphony Allegretto, is nothing short of breathtaking. This is a film for mature, cultured people who will receive the very finest entertainment for being patient. Even if the award bearers snub Christopher Nolan as they have continually done, I can at least proudly say that my runner up is The King’s Speech. For a film nominated for seven Golden Globes, I can say that every one that it wins, it has earned.

Rating: ***** / *****

VIDEOS:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Philip Benais is our newest Intern, a 16-year old student at Big Picture High School in SeaTac. He's an aspiring Writer who loves movies, so we let him write reviews for us.

Read more of his work here.]