BREAKING NEWS, FIRST REPORTED HERE & EXCLUSVE TO THE B-TOWN BLOG AND NO OTHER LOCAL MEDIA WITHIN A 12-MILE RADIUS:

Sometime within the last 24 hours, vandals apparently drove a racing green Mini Cooper onto Burien’s Interim Art Space area, hooked a tow line up and pulled over the “Mother” portion of “The Passage,” which was unveiled on January 24th.

Here’s an exclusive photo, taken by Contributing Photographer Francisco Beigh around 3:45pm Wednesday, April 1st:

Photo courtesy Francisco Beigh.

“To tell you the truth,” said Officer Brent Calvin, “nobody noticed anything different about this place until some dude with artsy glasses and a girly ponytail starting screaming like he was having a seizure around 15:30 hours. He called 911 on his cute red iPhone, so now we’re stuck here investigating. And I was just about to head down to The Tin Room for happy hour. Sheesh.”

Burien Police and King County Sheriff’s investigators are on the scene now, and are warning curious residents to avoid the area, as there are shards of artistic asphalt and metal everywhere, as well as brightly colored sculptures and paintings that could harm the retinas of citizens used to the normal drab scenery of Burien.

The suspect Mini Cooper was last seen at the drive-through of the neighboring Burger King, where the older male driver ordered a BK Kid’s Meal cheeseburger with ketchup only, apple fries and a small chocolate shake, then sped off towards Des Moines. According to the manager, they may return to retrieve a forgotten toy, which this week is from the hot new 3-D movie “Aliens vs Monsters.” A Port of Seattle S.W.A.T. team is now staking out the fast-food restaurant.

If you’ve seen a green Mini Cooper with a white roof, driven by an older white male with a sated young male with blond hair in the back seat scrambling around looking for a missing toy, you are encouraged to call police immediately.

According to local artist I.I. Dinka Hefeweizensen, who is the new director of the B-Town Interactive Artists Coalition House (aka B-IACH):

“Rather than re-build this sculpture, we’re going to leave it as is and just re-name it ‘What Happened to My Mama?’”

This story is developing, and rest assured we will post continuing-exclusive updates as soon as they come in, whether you like it or not.

by Stefan Hovland

Burien is more than just a town with a funny German name and a Strawberry Festival.

It holds a deep history of togetherness and community festivals. This is best seen in the long-forgotten springtime Caterpillar Festival. All residents of Burien know those annoying tent caterpillars which come out every spring and devour all the plants in sight. These bugs, which are seen as a nuisance, were once given a full day of celebration.

In the early 1910s, the young town of Burien started celebrating the emergence of the several species of caterpillars after the start of spring. Along with the common tent caterpillars, several farms of silkworm caterpillars were located in Burien. In the early 1900s Burien and several other towns along Puget Sound had become well known for their silk; an industry brought to the area by the Asian immigrants. The yearly festival showed Burien’s love of these insects whose industry played a large role in establishing their city.

The festival mainly consisted of food, music, and caterpillar-themed games. One of the most popular events was the caterpillar races where residents would put their insects to the test against other home-raised caterpillars. In the 1920s, the caterpillar festival was canceled as the Puget Sound silk industry collapsed and the celebration was no longer family oriented. Local men had turned the festival into a day of gambling on caterpillar races.

With the silk industry collapse, the silkworms and caterpillars were soon considered pests like they are now. Burien residents hated the infestation of caterpillars which debilitated the town. The Toonerville Trolley, which ran down Ambaum from Seattle to Burien, was frequently shut down due to the pests. The trolley would lose traction and often gave passengers an exciting ride down hills due to the squished caterpillars which covered the rails. The caterpillars of the area led to the demise of the trolley as passengers frequently had to push it back up the slick caterpillar-covered hills.

As April brings in caterpillar season, remember the role that these fine cretures once played in the development of Burien. The silk industry put Burien on the map.

These caterpillars were once celebrated every spring, but are now seen just as nuisances which destroy our plants and stop our light rail systems.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Stefan Hovland is a Burien resident who is currently attending the University of Washington, where he is a history major. He is single-handedly attempting to bring back this long-forgotten Caterpiller Festival in May, and asks that anyone finding caterpiller tents over the spring to carefully save them in a plastic container and deliver them directly to his home. In his spare time, Stefan helps covertly destroy native species throughout Burien's Parks while spreading seeds for ivy and blackberry bushes. He also interns as a botanist for the Highline Hysterical Society.]

According to an inside, well-placed source at city hall, a strip club will be taking over the space formerly occupied by Office Depot, located at 15716 First Avenue South in Burien.

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will cater to males over 18 and will be the first all-nude club in south King County to feature the latest trend in adult entertainment – Strippers on Segways.

“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have – an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

We tried repeatedly to get comments from the mayor and numerous city councilmembers, but they were all apparently out of town on a group junket in Portland, doing “research.”

The club is expected to have its grand opening on July 4th, right after its staff leads Burien’s annual 4th of July Parade on red, white and blue Segways.

BREAKING NEWS: In an emergency afternoon session, the Burien City Council voted today to impose a 20 percent internet tax on all users within the city boundaries.

“With the downturn in the economy we are continually looking for alternative sources of income,” said a city official via email. “We can’t install any more red light cameras now, and since most of our residents just sit in their double-wides surfing the internet, we thought this could be a great source of additional revenue.”

While discussions of increased sales tax, gas tax and coffee tax were all discussed, the internet was the resounding favorite for most widespread usage in the community.

“We know this may be shocking to some residents, which is why we decided to not implement our 35 percent tax on cell phone use in the city until late May 2009,” said another official, this time via Twitter.

Burien residents will see the new internet tax on their next statement from their internet provider. The tax will vary for users depending on their frequency of use and local relevance of websites they view.

One rather unusual aspect of this new tax is that, effective Monday, April 8th, all previously-free internet-connected computers at area libraries will function only via $2 bills inserted into newly-installed money slots. For $2, users will receive eight minutes of website use.

Percentages of tax increase will range from 5%-20%, with more locally-relevant websites like The B-Town Blog resulting in a 17.9% tax for all Readers. On the low end of the scale, where Readers can actually earn tax revenue for “reading” will be websites lacking in any local relevance, such as this one.

“On the bright side, some internet users may actually make money for reading locally-irrelevant websites chock full of old news, typographical errors, and mid-90s style web layout,” stated another official on her Facebook page.

Burien’s Little Theater announced today that it will be producing the first all-nude musical to ever be performed in Burien.

“Finding Nudo,” is a Dingleberry Award-winning musical about a lost, naked fish and a hungry shark who befriends him. It will be performed entirely naked in a pool by a cast of 45 starting June 31st.

As part of the innovative “show,” the entire BLT auditorium will be flooded during the first act. The audience will be required to not only wear life jackets, but each viewer will have to pass a strenuous Coast Guard-certified swimming test prior to the curtain rising.

It will feature special guest appearances by various local celebrities, similar to what BLT did with “The Rocky Horror Show” last year. BLT informs us that they’ve already secured appearances by the mayor, city manager, the parks director, and three employees of RedFlex, who now run the entire city finance department. All are currently rehearsing and learning how to swim at a pool at a local health club.

They’re also seeking other residents by placing flyers in local gym showers and various “saunas” located on Ambaum Blvd.

Sponsored entirely by Dan the Sausageman, auditions  for “Finding Nudo” begin Thursday night (April 2nd) at 7pm sharp, and thespians who can sing and are comfortable naked in front of uncaring Burienites are encouraged to show up in front of The Tin Room, unannounced, totally nude and ready to sing a showtown using a sausage as a microphone.

BREAKING NEWS: Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels was slightly injured Wednesday morning around 10:15am during a courtesy visit to Burien.

Mayor Nickels was observing improvements to the 1st Ave. South corridor when an Alaska Airlines jet mistook the top of his gigantic head for Sea-Tac airport’s new third runway.

While there were no injuries to passengers on Flight 401, the Boeing 757-500 was declared a total loss.

Burien mayor Joan McGilton, who witnessed the mishap, said the city of Burien will pick up Nickels’ medical bills.

When asked where the funds will come from to pay for the medical treatment, McGilton said

“Oh hell…we’ll just shorten the duration of our amber lights and start shooting more pictures!”

Meanwhile, numerous eyewitnesses to the incident have filed a class action lawsuit against both Nickels and his giant skull.

“It’s too ding dang noisy,” shouted resident Harriet Cooper over the ding dang noise, “and the Port is refusing to insulate my house against Mayor Gigantor’s hy-uge cranium! WTF?”

BREAKING NEWS: King County ends Annexation debate for North Highline Area, will install chain-link fences around entire boundary.

King County officials announced Wednesday plans to install “Physical Borders” in the form of chain-link fences around much, if not all, of the Northern Highline and White Center community starting Thursday, April 2nd.

“This was not an easy solution, nor was it our first option, but something had to be done,” said Herberto Recinto, Director of King County’s Office of Boundary Implementation. “The annexation debate has been strung on far too long and by implementing these drastic measures we hope to encourage a speedy resolution. And after Tuesday night’s Boundary review board vote to progress with Burien’s annexation proposal, we felt we had little choice.”

Starting April 2nd, residents of the community north of 116th street, west to the Shorewood neighborhood and down to as far as SR-509, will begin to see installation crews assembling the chain-link “Physical Borders.”

Numerous road signs are being placed today, to be used to redirect traffic for practical fencing installation, and to keep with the limited time frame for the completion of the project. Detour signs will help citizens navigate their way around the boundaries of the newly-gated areas, and checkpoint gates will be used for residents.

However, once residents return to their homes they will not be allowed to exit the area.

Extra police have been bussed in from various local police departments as well as Homeland Security to help handle any potential crowd control issues.

“We should see a positive economic upswing as Project Physical Borders will create about 15 jobs for at least a week. In these times everything helps,” Recinto added.

There will be no column by Walter Morton in today’s B-Town Blog.

The reason for this is that one blustery winter evening, in the Windy City, some 53 years ago, one William B. Morton took the bus back home from work, rather than drive his car in an encroaching Midwest storm.

Had he turned right and gone and gotten his car that night back in the 1950’s, he would have pleasantly bumped into a college friend, Helen Jordan, who then was a paralegal for a major Chicago law firm.

They would have happily sat for a warm holiday drink or two, caught up on old times, a romance lighting beneath them.

They would have dated, married, and their first born would have been named Walter Jordan Morton, who would have gone on to study journalism and move to Burien.

William turned left to catch the bus and so he and Helen did not bump into each other that night. They did not date and they did not marry. Consequently, Walter was never born.

Hence, there will be no column by Walter Morton in today’s B-Town Blog.

EXCLUSIVE: This morning (April 1st) The B-Town Blog met and interviewed an unidentified male who claims responsibility for the spate of recent, unsolved laser-airplane incidents we’ve reported on in the area northwest of Sea-Tac Airport.

Below is a transcript of our brief and somewhat strange encounter with an area man who wanted to be called “Floyd.”

We met him in a garage not far from where the incidents occurred. He was working on an inflatable, remote-controlled helium-filled balloon and listening to some loud 70s progrock when we found him, alone.

BTB: Hello, I’m Scott from The B-Town Blog. Are you Floyd?

FLOYD: Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar (he offered us a cigar, which we politely refused).

BTB: No thanks. What can you tell me Floyd about these laser incidents?

FLOYD: (pulling out a chart of news clippings about him) Everybody else is just green – have you seen the chart? It’s a helluva start, it could be made into a monster, if we all pull together as a team…

BTB: Floyd, did you know it’s a felony to point a laser at an aircraft and it’s punishable under the Patriot Act?

FLOYD: Well I’ve always had a deep respect, and I mean that most sincerely…

BTB: A deep respect for what?

FLOYD: (he then cranked up his boombox, then pulled out a second laser pointer and played a shell game with both, apparently trying to confuse us) The band is just fantastic, that is really what I think. Oh by the way, which one’s pink?

BTB: You’re using a pink laser too? Which one is it? I say it’s in your left hand.

FLOYD NODS AND GRINS AND CONTINUES THE SHELL GAME.

BTB: Can you tell me Floyd why you do this?

FLOYD: I’m in the high-fidelity first class traveling set, and I think I need a Lear jet.

BTB: Oh-kay. Floyd what’s your reasoning behind these laser incidents?

FLOYD: I’ve always been mad, I know I’ve been mad, like the most of us…very hard to explain why you’re mad, even if you’re not mad…

BTB: Dude, are you off your meds or something? Why do you do this?

FLOYD: We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom…(yelling at a passing car) Hey! Teachers – leave them kids alone!

BTB: Um, okay. Anything else you want to add?

FLOYD: If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

At this point, Floyd starting pointing both lasers at an inflatable, pig-shaped helium balloon which had floated out the garage door and escaped.

As Floyd chased the balloon down the alley, we snuck away.

To most people, today is “just” another April’s Fool’s Day, so beware the pranks o’April.

But to this fool, April 1st also stands for one other thing that means a lot to me:

IT’S J.P. PATCHES BIRTHDAY!

For you non-Northwest natives, J.P. (“Julius Pierpont”) Patches is a well-known local TV clown who spent many years on KIRO-TV in the 60s and 70s entertaining thousands of us Seattle kids (here’s a link to his website for the unenlightened: www.jppatches.com).

To me, J.P. Patches is the #2 comedic influence in my life. #1 is my Dad, who was the funniest man I ever met. Of course it helped that he was my Dad, that it was impossible for me not to meet him, and well, he was around me more than any other man, but I think you get the point – Dad was funniest, J.P. was #2.

As a young child growing up in West Seattle, I’d watch J.P. on TV in the morning before school during breakfast, then again in the afternoon. He did the show live every day, twice a day for 10-15 years, along with his sidekick “girlfriend” Gertrude (aka Bob Newman), Tikey Turkey, the ‘second meanest man in the world” Boris S. Wort (Newman again), Ggoorrsstt the Friendly Frpl, and a myriad of other characters, most, if not all, played by Newman.

Recently, J.P. and Gertrude were honored with a comical statue in Fremont (aka “the old Burien”), along with the infamous “ICU2TV Set” which sadly, remains the only bad taste in my love of this clown. (LINK: http://jppatches.com/page41.htm)

You see, during each episode, J.P. would “look” through the TV set (actually a cardboard frame) and speak to all his Patches Pal kid viewers who were having birthdays that day, and, by name, send them a personal wish along with a message like “Look in the dryer Scotty for a special surprise.”

Much to my dismay (Mom please note: I know you never meant to hurt my feelings, and I’m sure it was a hassle to to call it in, BUT…), good ol’ J.P. never noticed me on my birthday.

Not once.

(insert charmingly boyish sniffling sounds here)

I remember, on the one day per year where it was “my day” I’d sit in front of the TV, my eye glued to my hero, and await for him to “tune in” the ICU2TV Set.

“Oh boy,” I’d think, “I wonder where Mom hid the gift for me – the dryer? Under the stairs by the empty coke bottles? Or maybe in the hamper?”

Then J.P. would speak. And I would wait.

“Happy birthday to Danny, go look in the shower. And Sally, be sure to look under your bed. And Betty, look in the hamper…and…that’s it for today’s Patches Pals celebrating birthdays! We’ll be back with some cartoons right after this…”

If I was a modern child with a cell phone back then I think my Twiter message would like something like this:

“OMFG JP dint say my NM! WTF???”

Unfortunately, cell phones hadn’t been invented yet so all I could do was stifle my tears while eating my Froot Loopsâ„¢.

I am lucky though. I’ve met J.P. Patches three times, the first being around 1968 or so at our neighborhood grocery store (did you know that at one time practically every neighborhood in the area had its own small grocery store? I know, hard to believe…). I believe this store was called Zorich’s, and it was located on Charleston Street near 49th SW in West Seattle.

It was a BIG deal to wait in line to see this man. And I did for what seemed like hours but was probably only 20 minutes (like very boy in line, I’m sure I had to pee). Of course I didn’t mention to my Dad anything about not being mentioned on the ICU2TV set as I was “cool” with it (not really – I just wanted to not look lie a crybaby; plus remember – I had to pee!).

Finally, my turn came and J.P. asked my name.

“Scott,” I muttered.

“Scott? Well I just happen to have a button here with your name on it!”

At that moment he handed me a big red and white button with my name on it. Literally. I still have it somewhere, stored away in one of those boxes you put your valuable childhood memories in, which end up getting buried by other boxes with your own children’s childhood memories from not that long ago.

The second time I met J.P. was in 1994 when I returned from a six-year stint in LA where I wrote and directed on a few network comedy shows. This meeting took place on the closing night of Murray’s Doghouse, a longtime greasy spoon restaurant that had become a Seattle institution. This was such a big event that KCTS was broadcasting live, directly from the dive. My ex-”Almost Live!” buddy Pat Cashman hosted, along with Nancy Guppy and probably John Keister, and of course with those other Seattle institutions, J.P. and Gertrude. This was during my first week back from Hollywood, and it made for a wonderful return to my hometown. I ended up sitting at the bar with them, just us talking, and I confessed right then and there:

“You two were probably the reason I got into doing comedy TV,” I said, raising a pint of what was probably a Hefeweizen.

We joked around a bit more, sharing behind-the-scenes TV production stories, and I think they liked hearing that.

The next time I saw J.P. was when the Seafair Pirates were landing at Alki. I was there with my 4-year old son, and I introduced him to J.P. He only recognized him as “that clown guy on your shirt” (I have a J.P. t-shirt, get your own here) and I’m not sure his meeting him had as much impact as it did me.

J.P. is now over 80 years old, and last I heard he’s battling a form of blood cancer called acute myeloma.

I sincerely hope he’s well on this day, his true birthday, and I will peer through my own imaginary ICU2TV to acknowledge J.P., raise a toast to all the joy and laughter he not only brought into my life, but inspired me to try to do the same (although nowhere even close…).

So…Happy Birthday J.P. Patches…and thanks!

Here’s a clip from his show that really demonstrates his comedic style:

One more thing – yesterday I updated my Facebook status as “Excied that tomorrow is…you guessed it…J.P. Patches Birthday!” and here are some humorous comments from some “friends,” including Highline Historical Society Director Cyndi Upthegrove and my little sisters’ comment on her not knowing who J.P. was:

Our sister site The Waterland Blog is having its first-ever “No Foolin’ Fundraiser” Blog Party on Wednesday, April 1st (appropriately on April Fool’s Day) at Butler Bar & Grill in Des Moines, and it’s going to serve as a fundraiser for the Des Moines Food Bank.

You’re invited to come – just bring two cans or boxes of non-perishable food (or $5 cash) as your donation to help feed some hungry neighbors.

Here are the details:

WHAT: The Waterland Blog’s “No Foolin’ Fundraiser” for the Des Moines Food Bank

WHEN: Wednesday, April 1st, from 6pm on

WHERE: Butler Bar & Grill, located at 22341 Marine View Drive South in Des Moines (map below); phone: (206) 429-3709

COST: 2 (or more) cans or boxes of non-perishable food items, or $5 cash donation

Some of the evening’s fun will include:

• “Live Blogging” in the bar!
• Meet the staff of The Waterland Blog!
• Fun, friends and most importantly…Fundraising for the Des Moines Food Bank!

Please spread the word by forwarding this page, and/or downloading a PDF of our poster, printing and posting it around town.

We hope to see you there!

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Do you have an opinion on the proposed changes to the seawall on the north end of Seahurst Park?

If so, your chance to speak up will be at 6pm on Wednesday, April 1st, during a city public meetig to take citizen comments.

As part of the City’s long-range master plan for the park, it has been evaluating possible options for the removal of the park’s north seawall.

Anchor Environmental, which previously completed the park’s master plan, is conducting the feasibility study process, and here are some important elements to consider:

• The seawall was installed and constructed by King County in 1972.
• The park itself was purchased in the early 60s and managed by King County until 1993.
• Since 1972, when the seawall was built, much has been learned about shoreline and habitat protection. In 2002 Burien adopted the Seahurst Park Master Plan which called for over $11 million in renovation and restoration to return the park to its originally intended use, and to reverse environmental degradation.
• With state, federal and local funding, the City began removing the south seawall and grading the shoreline to improve a key migratory corridor for juvenile Chinook salmon.
• In December of 2008 the first phase was completed, including removal of the south seawall, beach restoration and marine riparian plantings. Additional work focused on replacement of the decades-old restrooms, new trails, and new picnic areas as well as repairs to the south picnic shelter.
• More info on the seawall at this website.

The public meeting will review the site assessments and recommendations for the north end of Seahurst Park prepared by the City’s consultants.

The meeting will be held at Burien Community Center, located at 425 SW 144th Street in Burien.

For information regarding this meeting and the feasibility study, contact Steve Roemer, Park Development and Operations Manager, at (206) 248-5513.